Still life with lunch

Starting the week off right

Fan Art

No apologies! Bikes forever! Yeah!

Morning bike ride - not a win

I tried to do a dry run for next years commute this morning. I did not make it.

But, on the upside I ended up riding approximately the same mileage as one way of the commute will be, and while I was winded and sweaty and generally smelly, I am confident that I will be able to do it within a couple of more tries. I mostly turned back because of dangerous roads, but with better planning it's going to be a lot of fun.

Taking a break

More then ever, though, I'm going to have to acknowledge that the Casseroll is not a speed demon. It's real purty and is a nice comfortable set of wheels to have under you, but I got passed by a stripped down road bike which whizzed on by while I was peddling around with my pannier and girly helmet. That was a pretty definitive end to feeling like a badass.

Reflecting

I haven't written much in the past two months. I was on a good roll for a while; I don't have much of an audience, but it's nice to write to an unseen crowd anyways. Right at the beginning of May I finished my first year of classes, then immediately took off and went home for a couple of weeks to see my family and friends. I was feeling very overwhelmed and homesick, and it was nice to be back in the Northwest for a little while.

It was an okay trip overall, it was nice to see my mom, although my trip to see my friends actually turned out to be a disaster; I lost what I thought was my boyfriend (it's a slow motion train wreck, I'm still dealing with it now) and my visit with my friends was a little underwhelming. This is a hard year, I think, but I'm learning a lot even though I'm resisting it.

Getting back to work was actually a relief in some ways. Now that I'm strictly focused on the research aspect of my work I'm a lot happier, and even more so now that I'm working with my hands and getting really into the instrument work. I love making things and teasing things apart, and there is plenty of that to do right now. In the next couple of weeks I'll be joining my field campaign, and will have plenty of work to do as well as the added benefit of shaking up my life a little bit and getting me out of my routine. Lots of variety is the secret to a satisfying life, so yay?

Bike Update

Well, it's about time that I did a little review of my Salsa Casseroll. I bought my bike on April 1, and I've ridden it nearly every day since I brought it home, excluding the couple of weeks I flew home. I love biking, but I am so not dedicated enough to take a bike on a plane.

When I started looking for a bike, I had a very specific plan in mind. I wanted a steel frame with a classic look, lots of room and flexibility to add on accessories, drop bars, and a build that I would be comfortable taking over reasonable rough terrain. When I move in August I'll be about 15 miles away from work, so I needed to upgrade if I wanted to keep commuting by bike; in any case I needed something a little more comfortable and tough for the kind of riding that I'm interested in. My choice really ended up being narrowed down to the Surly Cross-check and the Salsa Casseroll (2011 versions of each).

The Casseroll!

I won't lie, these bikes are very similar. They vary a little bit in components and geometry, but for that I was looking for in a bike either would have been a bulletproof choice. I ended up going with the Casseroll for a couple of simple reasons - the slightly higher quality of steel, the triple gears in the front, and the integrated front rack were worth the small price bump, and when taken together these perks made it a better bike for me. I would still like a Cross-check very much, but I would keep it as a cross bike, not the commuter and go getter that the Casseroll has become.

All put together and looking Awesome

I bought the bike from a local place as a pre-built bike, because I am so not good enough to build a bike from the ground up yet. We added a couple of components right away - Velo Orange hammered fenders, a Brooks saddle and a Bontrager rack (in silver!), and swapped out the stock integrated shifters for bar end shifters (I'm picky). The final bike was a dream realized, we nailed exactly what I was looking for.

After riding it for a couple of months, I'm still very pleased with the bike. Because it's so much more comfortable to ride then my previous bike I've gotten a lot more fit! The Casseroll is a great bike, its completely solid and it can handle a load with no problems. I haven't put much on the front rack yet, but with some panniers on the back it's pretty great; I can't say it improves anything, other then that I don't have anything on my back.

Not a great photo, but isn't she pretty.

The only I don't love about my setup relates to my fenders. I have a lot of toe overlap with my front wheel. There wasn't really a way around this; I'm a smallish lady so I have the smallest of the frames, and with toeclips on my pedals it's pretty much inevitable. Normally this is fine, it's whatever. But the Velo Orange fenders are a little touchy, and they get out of alignment pretty easily - any little bump will do it, and I seem to do this ALL THE TIME. It's awful. We've actually had to readjust their position a couple of times and I've finally reached an uneasy truce with the fenders. I think if I was going to do it again I would spend a little extra money and get a more solid set. This and the light rattling will probably lead to a fender upgrade with in the year.

Problem fenders

Outside of that, I'm well pleased with this bike. It's pretty much the perfect bike for what I wanted, and I can't wait for my long autumn commutes. I'm slowly working on cutting down how much I use my car (I'm to a bimonthly fillup!) and I would like to keep up the momentum once I move further away from my work.

Bikes make everything better, including looking at flowers

Updates and all that

It's been an interesting couple of weeks! I finished up my first year of classes at the beginning of May, then went home immediately afterwards to unwind and visit my friends and family. It was a good trip overall, although it started on an emotional roller coaster. Not my favorite, and I'm still sorting out my feelings about the whole thing, but overall I feel lot better. And it was nice seeing my friends, although I wish I could have had more Fun with them, rather then the abbreviated visit that we had.

After a few brief days with my friends I went south and met up with my mom, and we spent about a week together. We went from Port Townsend to Portland, and it was a great visit. We didn't do a lot of adventurous stuff, but it was a delightful time. I got a lot of reading done, and caught on my sleep and we had a lot of great meals. My mom has a fantastic new place which is evocative of the place we had when I was in high school, so it's out in the woods and extremely serene. I was sad to leave at the end, both for personal and cultural reasons; Personally, love and family and all that; culturally, I miss the weirdness and the familiarity of the west. The east seems so boring and tame after being home.

Other then that, I'm back to work and feeling a lot better about that whole science thing I'm involved in. While I'm involved in environmental and technological research, a lot of it feels like arts and crafts, which I love. I learned how to use power tools yesterday morning, I feel like such a badass! I'm going to be well rounded after all this training. I'll be all, high heels and table saws yo.

I have also discovered honey whiskey, with the expected results. I woke up yesterday bruised and muddy, with a vague idea about where I crashed my bike. Which I need to put up some more photos of, if my stats are to be trusted. I wish I could make this into a biking-lifestyle blog, but unfortunately I'm just not that active an adventurer yet. Someday :)

In the middle of the last push through

This post is going to be kind of a First-world problems complaint, so if you don't care so much that my ruby slippers are too tight, you can just skip on over reading this one.

So. Grad school has been one of the most humbling experiences I've ever put myself through. I'm in a situation where I have to push myself, truly challenge myself, to even keep up, and I feel like I'm not able to maintain the level of effort and excellence you need to truly succeed. I am glad that I have the opportunity to be pursuing these dreams, but I'm starting to suspect that I don't have the capacity to fulfill the expectations of success that I am carrying with me.

I have never been a star student. I did enough work to get by, and concepts came easily to me. I got through high school okay, and while I had a rocky start to college I ended on a high note, having clawed my grades up to the level that made me eligible for grad school. I pursued research opportunities, and got good enough references to be considered for a few grad schools. I got lucky with my current University, and applied on a year where they were looking for people with chemistry backgrounds or interests. So, I ended up in grad school.

Aaaand I realized, that I'm not really supposed to be here. I'm not just fighting against the material in this program, which is legitimately challenging. I'm also fighting against myself, and the bad habits that I picked up from years of being "smart enough." I'm getting through this, but that spark of inspiration and dedication that I felt that last couple years of undergrad feels like it's been extinguished. I work a lot, these long crazy hours, but nothing gets done. I read, ploughing through text books and online documents, but nothing sticks. I reach a "fingers on the edge of the cliff" understanding of the material, but I miss details in the problems and come in last. I am by far the weakest student in the class, and that is a difficult position to be in - I'm smart enough to get in, but too dumb to be accomplished.

I don't know what the answer is here. I don't know how far I'm going to make it in this program, but if not this, then what am I going to do with my life? And if this, it's the same damn question - what the hell am I going to do with a doctorate! I don't know. I don't know.

Sleep is weakness, or so they would have you believe

I promise I'll be fun again soon blog. Right now I'm so tired and frustrated, I want to be done with this studying and done with these tests and cozy in bed, full of beer and good food and love. We've got a huge amount of rain coming right for us, so I'm probably going to be in the office for quite some time tonight, which kind of sucks considering that it's already nine o'clock. Send me love, dear faceless friends, I'm going to need a hug by the end of tomorrow.

Grad School!

What I imagine:

What actually happens?

Now, I just have to work on putting it into motion

I'm starting to understand something really important. For years, I've been fighting against perceived restrictions to my freedom. I have pushed away good friends, sabotaged relationships of all kinds (mostly of the romantic variety), pushed myself into depression and isolation. I've been really unhappy, and this has negatively affected a lot of people in my life.

This is super messed up! Because what I'm realizing is that these curtails to my freedom are self imposed. It wasn't the other people in my life, it was me putting all the responsibility for my happiness onto other people. I didn't take risks, because I was telling myself that other people would be disappointed in me. I didn't pursue interesting experiences or friendships because I didn't want to hurt people's feelings - people who probably would have happily pushed me to become my own person!

It's not that you should go through life intentionally disregarding other peoples feelings and perceptions. These are important aspects to all relationships, and should be a concern to you if you are close to them. BUT. To be fully present and joyful in a relationship of any kind, you need to feel like you have had some choice. You are with your partner because you choose to be, because they are wonderful, not because you are stuck with them. You are with your friends because they are interesting and full of life, not because they are the best you can do. These kinds of things.

While this kind of insight is probably not deep or new in the slightest, I find that I'm actually starting to believe what my boyfriend was telling me for years - you have a choice. He wasn't there to artificially put restrictions on me. That I can be the person I want to be. I can build myself the life that I want to live. I can do the things I desire, and my loved ones will be there before, after and during with open arms. That it's better to be taking risks then artificially trapping yourself in a story of your own creation, especially because it probably isn't true.

Cause you know. Sharing.

I got a bed frame for my matress (hooray!), but the bed appears to take up more room then it used to. My dresser sucks, so I dismantled it, re-purposed my closet to take on the over flow from the drawers, and moved the crafting desk in to hold anything else that needs holding.

Ipso facto, I now keep my underwear in a beer box. I am a classy lady.

One last thing

Okay, one more thought for the night. I am Reeeeaaaally tired, and should be doing some math problems, but I had to track down a dis-congruity in my bank account. I keep VERY detailed spread sheets of my finances, and I was actually kind of impressed. I was able to figure out exactly were I made an accounting error, and it was pretty easy to fix. I started doing these spread sheets about three years ago, and I'm been tweaking the format as I use them, but I think I've got a pretty good system now, it's very intuitive and visual. I can keep track of where my money is going, spending patterns, and even get some hard data on how much I'm spending per day over the entire month. It's pretty cool.

This is a screen cap with some bullshit information on it. I was going to put up a legit graph, but I realized that that was a TERRIBLE idea. I just entered some general data to demonstrate how it works. The left hand graph shows spent vs. unspent, the center graph is a break down of what catatogies my money is going into, and the smallest version of this graph is the same thing, but it includes all the unspent income in black. It also breaks stuff down into percentages spent in each category, my goals for savings each month and how much Actually makes it into savings after all is said and done. It doesn't work for everyone, but I'll be damned this this works awesome for me.

Balancing acts

Things I like about coming home at night?
Bike ride home
Hearing the frogs starting to sing
Taking detours, seeing new things
Being outside and under the sky
Watching spring unfurl like a flag across the landscape
Feeling my body get stronger week by week
Taking a moment to reflect about whatever the emotional topic of the day is
The anticipation of dinner, and beer
Coming into my personal space and feeling solitude wrapped around me like a comforting hug: when you can't have affection or intimacy, sometimes being alone is okay too.

Things I don't like?
Being hungry
Being tired

I think the goods here outweighs the bad, and as the world unfolds into life I think I can manage.

Combination Disaster

I'm eating exhaustion oatmeal. Yesterday was a 16 hour workday, and I still didn't get very much done, so today is probably going to be similar. The office candy of the week is pretzel m&m's, which don't really translate as an oatmeal topping. These are the kinds of bad decisions that I make when I don't get enough sleep.

What do you mean, don't wast time?

Below I have drawn a fairly indicative illustration of my current mental state. This is a shockingly accurate portrait. Those are supposed to be my hands curled into little fists of frustration.

I tried to study, but I accidentally made this instead

Curse you sleep

One of those days - I slept in, got up and ate some breakfast, got dressed, checked the weather - boom, feel asleep. I foresee very little productivity this afternoon. I got 12 hours of sleep, and still feel like the walking dead. Or maybe 12 hours of sleep made me into the walking dead...

Spend money! Spend all the money!

Because I need to study, but don't want to, my brain has locked into a "Buy things" mode. This is a problem. I want to buy everything. All the things. But, No money to do so. Curse this busy and expensive month.

Also, we need to work on this consumer thing. I think I would be a lot happier if I wasn't always thinking about all the stuff I could be buying. However, on a positive spin the things I Have been buying are going to last a hell of a long time. So, there's that.

April showers better put out may flowers

It's April, but the weather still hasn't warmed up appreciably. We're out of below freezing...most of the time. There's been some bulbs coming up though, and I hear the trees are going to be budding in a few weeks, which will be delightful. What's the fun of a deciduous forest if it's too cold to enjoy it and everything stays bare? I guess it's been a cold spring, climatological. I'm hoping that it warms up a little, but stays cool this summer. Last summer was particularly hot, but I think any normal summer temps + east coast humidity is going to make me pretty unhappy in general.

I'm excited for it to warm up a little bit, I have some outdoor equipment I want to test out - a tent and a sleeping pad, mostly. I was planning on getting a new sleeping bag too, one that can manage colder temperatures (I like camping in the early spring and late fall, and I tend to sleep cold) but I don't think I'll have free time until the weather is warm enough not to really need it. We'll see. In any case, I'm excited about doing come bike camping and some serious exploring of this area. It's going to be a lot of fun. I'm already out of my element over here, I may as well take advantage of it and be an explorer!

But until finals are over and I get back from my trip home I think my free time will be scarce at best. I'm pretty broke this month from the tickets home, but I am planning on doing some baking when I have time and keep on biking. I really enjoy my ride to and from work, right now it's probably the best part of my day.

An old one, but appropriate for today

East Vs. West

On Friday evening I went out with a group of other grad students for a drink of two. I haven't been particularly social, but I managed to build up enough energy and momentum to get out there. I think it'll be more likely for me to go out when it warms up a little and I can more comfortably ride into downtown; as it is right now, once it hits nine I'm starting the slow roll towards bed and enhanced coziness. Cause I'm old.

Anyways, it was a pretty enjoyable evening. The happy hour prices on beer are outstanding (for the area) even if you don't get all that much volume (14 oz, what is that). By about 11 I was ready to roll on out of there. At about this time, the conversation swung over towards the differences between the east and the west coasts. Now, I'm not 100% on why we ended up talking about this, I was starting to drift, but my stance it pretty solid: People are people. While there may be superficial differences in lifestyle (like cuisine or hobbies or interests in sports or whatever!) people have the same basic motivations and you find the same kinds of people where ever you go - outdoor tech heads, hipsters, girls who use spray on tan and dye their hair blond, whatever the niche I can guarantee you're going to find them in Miami and Seattle and whatever other city you want to pick. While different subcultures might flourish or languish, people will fit in just about anywhere.

There are some people who don't buy this, and it confuses me a little bit. I had my reservations when I moved east for sure, but what I found in Pennsylvania was what I found in Washington - people motivated to live the best lives they can. Like I mentioned, what the life resembles may change superficially in different parts of the country (the midwest has their casseroles, the west coast their sushi, you get the point) but the core is still the same: Security, community, happiness, accomplishment.

While I do want to move back west when I'm done with my degree, it's not because of the people on the east coast; It's the people on the west coast! My friends and family are there. I miss the landscapes and the weather. I miss the water and the liberal politics. I miss fresh salmon and cheap avocados. I miss the mountains and the fir trees. The Northwest is my homeland. Does that diminish the East for me? No. While in Washington I had more close friends who were similar to me in interests and appearance, it doesn't mean that those people aren't here in the east, I just haven't found them yet.

I don't know, its interesting. We're all trying to find our place in the world, and for a lot of people geography is a big part of that. It certainly is for me, but at the same time I think with determination and willingness most people can be happy most places, given that the other aspects of your life are running smoothly (work, community, health, family, the usual suspects).

The Casseroll rolled into my heart

This was kind of a bad week, but it ended on a beautiful high note: I picked up my tax return new bike yesterday morning!



I did a bunch of internet sleuthing and soul searching before focusing my energy onto two possible bikes, the 2011 versions of the Surly Cross Check and the Salsa Casseroll. I liked both a lot, and got to test ride both at my local shop. The bikes are pretty similar, but I eventually decided on the Casseroll for a couple of reasons: The front gears are a triple right out of the box, it has sealed bearings which will minimize maintenance until I wear them out, and it came with a lovely front rack. Coupled with the nicer steel in the frame, I felt like the upgrades justified the extra $100 I would be spending.



While the bike is mostly stock, we made a couple of changes right off the bat. I replaced the integrated shifter with the sturdier bar end shifters, and added a bunch of accessories. Velo Orange hammered fenders, a silver Bontrager rack, and swapping out the stock saddle for a beautiful leather Brooks saddle makes this bike a show stopper. It's probably one of the nicest and cohesive bikes I've seen in a while, with a simple color scheme and solid complementary accessories. I feel like it matched my personality well, balancing feminine touches and a softer retro look with an aggressive build and posture.



I'm looking forward to putting some serious miles on this bike. While I've had a little trouble with the shifting, I'm betting that it's due to the adjustment period you always have with a new bike. My body fits the factory dimensions very well, and I'm looking forward to putting some serious miles on these wheels. Three cheers for my bike shop helping me build exactly the bike I wanted, and here's to attacking the future on two wheels.

(I like the philosophy this company has! <3)

Sunday morning self reflection

The reason that I'm having trouble loving what I'm doing right now is that no matter what it is that I am working on at any given moment, that activity is challenging. I never have a day where my projects are a joy to work on, where I finish and can say to myself, I accomplished everything I needed to get done today. When I'm not working I worry about the work I should be doing, and when I am working I am thinking of all the many other things that I should be doing - in research, in the classes, in preparing for teaching. I hate this feeling of overextending myself and constantly falling short of expectations, and I am afraid that the constant stress and self doubt is detrimental to my health and long term happiness. When you couple this with the feeling of loneliness and the fact that I am very much on my own right now, It can feel extremely overwhelming. It comes and goes for sure, and for the days when I feel overcome and hopeless I have days where I feel okay about things, But I also feel like I can't let down my guard too much because if I do those feelings are going to take over and hold me hostage.

On a lighter note, can I get a shout out for sunny mornings and sleeping in? It's pretty great.

Bikes you guys

When I filed my taxes a couple of weeks ago I realized that I was going to be getting back a fairly large chunk of cash; large enough, in fact, to get a new bike. I was planning on making this purchase in the summer anyways, but this money makes the whole thing way less stressful and way more fun.

So, I had an idea about what I wanted: A solid steel frame with drop bars and a wide range of gearing, comfortable geometry that can handle a load, a bulletproof build that I can ride anywhere over anything (within reason guys, I'm talking mud and loose gravel, not dry riverbeds), room for fenders and wide tires and the ability to handle racks. Three bikes floated to the top, the Salsa Casserole and the Surly Cross Check and Long Haul Trucker. I took some time out of my day today to head down to out local dealer in town on an information gathering mission, and it sounds like these bikes are good choices.

Which one I'll actually end up on will depend a lot on the test ride. It sounds like this shop takes a lot of time and care getting people onto the right bike, and I'm happy to be putting myself into their hands. I'm leaning towards the Casserole at this point, but I'm waiting until I give it a test ride to really put my heart into it.

Outside of just the bike, I've put together a list of the things I want to buy with it upfront - some nice silver fenders, a leather saddle, a back rack, pedals, lights, a lock. It's going to be one fine bike regardless of which one I get, and I am damn excited about it. Long distance riding here I come.

Where ever you are, you're there

I should probably delete that last post, but I'm not going to; instead, it's going to stay up as a testament to how bad things can feel and how you can turn it around with love, rest and getting out of the negative self talk. I have had an outpouring of love and good wishes today, and last night someone I love deeply reached out to me when I was at my worst and gave me exactly what I needed: Some love, some reassurance, and some encouragement. I'm on the upswing now, and with spring bursting out all around us I hope to be able to stay up for some time. I have things to look forward to, I have things to think about, and I have a heart full of love that needs to be spread around.

Oh fuck

I'm turning 24 tomorrow, and I am having a panic attack. I am really, really far from home, I'm in over my head in graduate school, I'm stressed out ALL the time, and I've got this unrequited love thing going on that is ripping my heart apart and shattering my self confidence. Awesome. I love feeling like shit and striding into my mid twenties. I'm planning to spend tomorrow night grading, but in reality I'm probably going to go cry into a beer glass alone and ride my bike home drunk.

Yeah, I'm not doing great right now. I've probably got a bad attitude too. I just want to be loved.

Self depication and reinforcing bad thought patterns

I'm having a hard time right now. Well, it's not harder than normal, but I'm a lot sadder than I generally am. I've been feeling very isolated and alone since I came back from christmas, and with a birthday quickly approaching I am having a hard time feeling good about where I am and what I'm doing. This isn't anything new or particularly special, but the difference right now is that I am taking it out on my self confidence and self assurance. There was a triggering event for sure, but I should have been ready for it. I took a risk when I moved out here, and at the time it was one I was happy to make, but right now I want to be home with familiar people so badly. The problem is that this depression is manifesting as listlessness and low energy, so I am not taking the initiative and doing the things I need to do to make myself feel better - hike, move, create, socialize.

I never wanted to be sad. I want to be buoyant and positive, and I want to be a force of happiness for other people. I like having a rosy outlook on life, and in general I like who I am. But right now it all feels very crumbly and unsteady, and unfortunately my self deprecation and unhappiness is mutually exclusive with what I really need; Friends who are positive and happy and can make me feel better about myself and my decisions and push me out into the world. Not bars or more drinking, but adventures and new experiences. God damn I hate the way my brain lies to me when I'm depressed. I wish I could chuck out all these old neuroses and behaviors and start over fresh.

Proclamation of the day

I just had my first avocado since December. No matter the price, I WILL be eating these weekly from now on; I can't believe I cut these out of my diet. Damn they taste good.

Writing and junk

While there are fears and insecurities gnawing at me more often the not, I'm fairly happy with my academic choices insomuch as they've lead me to much better critical thinking and an appreciation for the effort and magic of science. However, I've been feeling a little regret for not diving deeper into literature and writing. While science and writing are certainly not mutually exclusive (far from it in fact) in a science education you tend to focus more on technical writing and move away from creative expression.

I actually really enjoy writing, an interest that probably grew out of my voracious childhood reading. I'm not a terrific writer, but that's one of the reasons I keep this blog: It's all practice. My goal is to be able to write clearly and compellingly, emulating some of the best writers in the New Yorker and similar publications. It feels a long ways off, but I enjoy the process.

I guess I'm thinking about it today because I'm home bound due to the rain, and I was reading some poetry and rekindling my interest. I was thinking about the poems I have memorized, and rereading some of the ones I would like to memorize; "The Cloud" by Shelley and the "To Be or Not to Be" speech by Shakespeare I have partially memorized, and my favorite, "Loveliest of Trees" by A. E. Housman comes to mind as easily as if I was reading it in front of me.

While I technically have a degree from a liberal arts college and have taken a handful of university level English courses, I never truly invested myself into them. I wish I had now, because while I enjoy my chosen path I feel like I would benefit from having a fuller intellectual background. I am considering starting to move away from science a little bit, and I feel like this decision would be much easier if I was more secure in my ability to think laterally and write clearly.

Hahah I guess I'm whining a little bit. I'm just writing to write right now; I'm curled up watching the rain and listening to a snippet of Burgmüller's "Le Courant Limpide" on repeat (Wii aquarium, so there's some fish swimming around on the TV). It's very nice.

Spring break is sprung

I'm having a very nice day today and not working. I woke up to a very short and very nice email from someone close to my heart, and it started my day out on the right note. Actually, the note it started out on was my clock radio serinading me with bluegrass at 6 am, so I let it play one song at full volume then turned it off and went back to sleep for another couple of hours.

I had a hedonistic breakfast and was going to go hiking today, but the forecast said "Rain" and the radar agreed. Unfortunately I believed when I should have had some skepticism because it didn't rain on us until sunset, although it was threatening to the entire day. So instead of hiking I visited the State College AND Bellefonte libraries, took the scenic drive to Bellefonte, explored some of the downtown areas of both cities on foot, and got the biggest calzone ever! for a late lunch. I brought it home and ate it in my living room, and it was an all around satisfying afternoon. The fillings I chose for the pizza are probably much better on a regular pizza (sausage, feta and onions) but it was pretty tasty if a little salty. Anyways, I'm excited to move out to Bellefonte even if they don't have Indian food.

For the evening I will be engaged in books, beers, and baking. I'm making some granola right now, and I would like to make some no knead bread. I need to make a trip to the store for some baking supplies this evening, so I may make some cookies or a cake instead and save the bread for tomorrow morning. I would really like to make a nice cake for my birthday, but to do so is going to mean getting cake pans and a piping bag; I want to pipe on these big soft buttercream roses, which actually looks nicer and more appetizing then you would think.

For my birthday I wanted to cook a dinner for a small group of people and have them come eat with me and have a nice evening of music and conversation, but unfortunately it's probably not in my budget. I guess I get a little tired of going to visit with friends and have the TV on in the background, or sometimes in the foreground! Instead of doing this, me and a lab buddy are putting together a dinner similar to what we did on valentines and taking everyone to India Pavilion for dinner. It was a lot of fun, and the food is excellent. Afterwards it sounds like people want to do dance at the local "club" which I feel a little ambivalent about to be honest. I've been feeling very hermitish these days, and am much happier alone or at home then I am putting myself into social gatherings. This is probably due in large part to feeling acutely my missing friends from Bellingham, and not feeling very close or connected to my pals here. I have a few that I connect with deeply, but by and large there seems to be some barrier here and I couldn't say what it is exactly.

Regardless, the things that I am working on these days, independence, self love and deeper self reflection are improving monthly, and I'm taking this weekend to buttress my selflove with beer and carbohydrates. Three cheers for spring.

Just another thursday night on the homestead

Almost better from being sick. Full of spaghetti. Set up my new tent in the office. Thought I was going to sleep in it, but probably am not going to. Too sleepy for sentence structure. Lets get to tomorrow, I want to get this spring break started.

Mo' money mo' problems

Tonight's problem? Menu planning in bed while hungry. I should go get something to eat, but I'm so cozy... I'm going to have to go brave the non-bed parts of my apartment, like a valiant explorer. Wish me well townsfolk, I shall return triumphant.

Edit: Shameful, it was pepperoni directly out of the package. Mmmm.

Collecting the Weekend

I'm fighting off a cold right now, which is a little uncomfortable. I actually think it's secretly making me into a cat: I lost my voice so I can't communicate vocally, and instead of working I keep falling asleep in warm places. Since last Wednesday I've probably had at least one three hour nap everyday. I just can't get enough of my bed.

On top of being a little sick, I'm a tiny bit hungover from two fabulous nights this weekend. Friday night we had a party to kick around with the prospective grad students (who were great! There was one lady I was particularly taken with, I want her to come here and be my friend), and I got tipsy. I guess I held it together pretty well, no one really noticed, but I think at the end of the night I was my hardline "Beards are better!" stance. I mean, they totally are, but I really don't need to evangelize to this crowd. There is no dating potential in this department, so I probably don't need to be shouting out my turn ons to my co-workers.

Saturday morning we had an informal breakfast in the building, and I dodged out afterwards to go see an interesting talk on disease and climate change. It was given as a general talk so it didn't go very deep into the science, but it had some really interesting discussion about mosquito and malaria biology and why our uncertainties in our understanding of these factors is important when we talk about the changing ranges of diseases. Interestingly enough the talk got me fired up about doing science again; taking a step back to look at the bigger picture of why we do science is always valuable, and while my frustration will be back before I know it it's nice to have a moment where I feel like I'm part of something important.

In the evening my favorite State College person arranged a small group to have dinner at the Elk Creek Cafe, which is AMAZING. It's a small restaurant/brewery with terrific beer and good food coupled with a nice ambiance, and all around it was a delightful experience. We had 8 people, and even with the busy-ness we managed to get seating quickly and all together. We had a nice dinner, and I hung back with a couple of people afterward to continue drinking and enjoy the music. There was a terrific bluegrass band playing, and despite overeating and loosing my voice we had a terrific evening. I can't wait to go back, and to take some of my west coast friends there when I can get some of them over. It's the kind of place that makes you feel good knowing it exists, and it's one of the things that is making my time here in Pennsylvania manageable and even kind of enjoyable. Can I get a holla back for good experiences?

Risk Taking

I've been thinking a little bit about risk taking. It's kind of surprising, but I've found that when I examine my choices many of them are made with the safe route in mind: Not sure about what to do after high school? Go to college, cause you should anyways. Worried about finding a summer job? Do summer research. Not certain you're going to make it in the real world? Go to grad school!

So here's the deal: it would be really easy for me to continue on this safe route. I'll get a masters, followed by the doctorate. I'll get a postdoc, maybe another one if the job market is bad. I'll apply into a wide variety of universities, and get a job somewhere as an assistant professor. The responsibilities and the grant writing process will push me further from the lab work, and I'll become more of an administrator every year. I may or may not have an active research group, I may or may not be doing work with important implications or redeeming social values or work that I find interesting at all. But, it's a steady paycheck, and the path to getting here is well marked. While part of the journey may be challenging, the titles carry respect and there is some ability for me to carve out a satisfying life for myself.

But, I'm not sure I really want that. I've been feeling more and more frustrated with the process of science, and I frankly have some concerns about whether I have the mental capacity for continued high intensity research after I get my degree regardless of whether I continue after the masters or not. I feel that I would be much happier all around if I had some ability to separate my working life more sharply from my personal life, and while there are some benefits to the flexible academic schedule research tends to take over all of your spare time and brain power. For some people this is great, and they are more than happy to invest themselves fully into a project, but for me...I think there would be something missing there.

Part of this is figuring out the life work balance that we talk so much about. How do you live a full life outside of work while also putting in the time and effort to make a difference in your work? being passionate about what you do is certainly important, and it's important to have that spark of inspiration when you sit down to work, even if some days it's dim or seems to be sputtering - it can be revived with work and love.

The other thing here is that I've never really taken the risks that make for a full life. I've been on this path working for something I thought that I believed in, but it was also the easy path. When I think about giving everything up for a dream I can barely conceptualize that. My life has been safe, the choices I made well thought out, and this has allowed me to avoid many upsets and instabilities. But I have never gone out on a limb, I've never made those risks that make our lives worth living. I forget that there will always be a net for me, and instead have put a tremendous amount of time and energy into building my own. And this isn't bad! But I feel a little unfulfilled, and I feel like I'm missing some formative experiences in risk taking and adaptation.

When I think about things that I would do if I left science right now, I can fill a whole list with the experiences I would like to have: Traveling to remote corners of the world, Pushing myself physically on skis or a boat, hiking through mountains alone, baking and creating and moving. How would I support myself? How would I build flexibility into my life? How often would I be able to have these adventures? How would I find happiness and fulfillment? I don't know, and these are the questions that keep me from throwing myself into it. But I hope that someday, in the gentlest way possible I hope, that I am pushed to answer these questions, and pushed to live the life I want to live.