Sunday morning self reflection

The reason that I'm having trouble loving what I'm doing right now is that no matter what it is that I am working on at any given moment, that activity is challenging. I never have a day where my projects are a joy to work on, where I finish and can say to myself, I accomplished everything I needed to get done today. When I'm not working I worry about the work I should be doing, and when I am working I am thinking of all the many other things that I should be doing - in research, in the classes, in preparing for teaching. I hate this feeling of overextending myself and constantly falling short of expectations, and I am afraid that the constant stress and self doubt is detrimental to my health and long term happiness. When you couple this with the feeling of loneliness and the fact that I am very much on my own right now, It can feel extremely overwhelming. It comes and goes for sure, and for the days when I feel overcome and hopeless I have days where I feel okay about things, But I also feel like I can't let down my guard too much because if I do those feelings are going to take over and hold me hostage.

On a lighter note, can I get a shout out for sunny mornings and sleeping in? It's pretty great.

Bikes you guys

When I filed my taxes a couple of weeks ago I realized that I was going to be getting back a fairly large chunk of cash; large enough, in fact, to get a new bike. I was planning on making this purchase in the summer anyways, but this money makes the whole thing way less stressful and way more fun.

So, I had an idea about what I wanted: A solid steel frame with drop bars and a wide range of gearing, comfortable geometry that can handle a load, a bulletproof build that I can ride anywhere over anything (within reason guys, I'm talking mud and loose gravel, not dry riverbeds), room for fenders and wide tires and the ability to handle racks. Three bikes floated to the top, the Salsa Casserole and the Surly Cross Check and Long Haul Trucker. I took some time out of my day today to head down to out local dealer in town on an information gathering mission, and it sounds like these bikes are good choices.

Which one I'll actually end up on will depend a lot on the test ride. It sounds like this shop takes a lot of time and care getting people onto the right bike, and I'm happy to be putting myself into their hands. I'm leaning towards the Casserole at this point, but I'm waiting until I give it a test ride to really put my heart into it.

Outside of just the bike, I've put together a list of the things I want to buy with it upfront - some nice silver fenders, a leather saddle, a back rack, pedals, lights, a lock. It's going to be one fine bike regardless of which one I get, and I am damn excited about it. Long distance riding here I come.

Where ever you are, you're there

I should probably delete that last post, but I'm not going to; instead, it's going to stay up as a testament to how bad things can feel and how you can turn it around with love, rest and getting out of the negative self talk. I have had an outpouring of love and good wishes today, and last night someone I love deeply reached out to me when I was at my worst and gave me exactly what I needed: Some love, some reassurance, and some encouragement. I'm on the upswing now, and with spring bursting out all around us I hope to be able to stay up for some time. I have things to look forward to, I have things to think about, and I have a heart full of love that needs to be spread around.

Oh fuck

I'm turning 24 tomorrow, and I am having a panic attack. I am really, really far from home, I'm in over my head in graduate school, I'm stressed out ALL the time, and I've got this unrequited love thing going on that is ripping my heart apart and shattering my self confidence. Awesome. I love feeling like shit and striding into my mid twenties. I'm planning to spend tomorrow night grading, but in reality I'm probably going to go cry into a beer glass alone and ride my bike home drunk.

Yeah, I'm not doing great right now. I've probably got a bad attitude too. I just want to be loved.

Self depication and reinforcing bad thought patterns

I'm having a hard time right now. Well, it's not harder than normal, but I'm a lot sadder than I generally am. I've been feeling very isolated and alone since I came back from christmas, and with a birthday quickly approaching I am having a hard time feeling good about where I am and what I'm doing. This isn't anything new or particularly special, but the difference right now is that I am taking it out on my self confidence and self assurance. There was a triggering event for sure, but I should have been ready for it. I took a risk when I moved out here, and at the time it was one I was happy to make, but right now I want to be home with familiar people so badly. The problem is that this depression is manifesting as listlessness and low energy, so I am not taking the initiative and doing the things I need to do to make myself feel better - hike, move, create, socialize.

I never wanted to be sad. I want to be buoyant and positive, and I want to be a force of happiness for other people. I like having a rosy outlook on life, and in general I like who I am. But right now it all feels very crumbly and unsteady, and unfortunately my self deprecation and unhappiness is mutually exclusive with what I really need; Friends who are positive and happy and can make me feel better about myself and my decisions and push me out into the world. Not bars or more drinking, but adventures and new experiences. God damn I hate the way my brain lies to me when I'm depressed. I wish I could chuck out all these old neuroses and behaviors and start over fresh.

Proclamation of the day

I just had my first avocado since December. No matter the price, I WILL be eating these weekly from now on; I can't believe I cut these out of my diet. Damn they taste good.

Writing and junk

While there are fears and insecurities gnawing at me more often the not, I'm fairly happy with my academic choices insomuch as they've lead me to much better critical thinking and an appreciation for the effort and magic of science. However, I've been feeling a little regret for not diving deeper into literature and writing. While science and writing are certainly not mutually exclusive (far from it in fact) in a science education you tend to focus more on technical writing and move away from creative expression.

I actually really enjoy writing, an interest that probably grew out of my voracious childhood reading. I'm not a terrific writer, but that's one of the reasons I keep this blog: It's all practice. My goal is to be able to write clearly and compellingly, emulating some of the best writers in the New Yorker and similar publications. It feels a long ways off, but I enjoy the process.

I guess I'm thinking about it today because I'm home bound due to the rain, and I was reading some poetry and rekindling my interest. I was thinking about the poems I have memorized, and rereading some of the ones I would like to memorize; "The Cloud" by Shelley and the "To Be or Not to Be" speech by Shakespeare I have partially memorized, and my favorite, "Loveliest of Trees" by A. E. Housman comes to mind as easily as if I was reading it in front of me.

While I technically have a degree from a liberal arts college and have taken a handful of university level English courses, I never truly invested myself into them. I wish I had now, because while I enjoy my chosen path I feel like I would benefit from having a fuller intellectual background. I am considering starting to move away from science a little bit, and I feel like this decision would be much easier if I was more secure in my ability to think laterally and write clearly.

Hahah I guess I'm whining a little bit. I'm just writing to write right now; I'm curled up watching the rain and listening to a snippet of Burgmüller's "Le Courant Limpide" on repeat (Wii aquarium, so there's some fish swimming around on the TV). It's very nice.

Spring break is sprung

I'm having a very nice day today and not working. I woke up to a very short and very nice email from someone close to my heart, and it started my day out on the right note. Actually, the note it started out on was my clock radio serinading me with bluegrass at 6 am, so I let it play one song at full volume then turned it off and went back to sleep for another couple of hours.

I had a hedonistic breakfast and was going to go hiking today, but the forecast said "Rain" and the radar agreed. Unfortunately I believed when I should have had some skepticism because it didn't rain on us until sunset, although it was threatening to the entire day. So instead of hiking I visited the State College AND Bellefonte libraries, took the scenic drive to Bellefonte, explored some of the downtown areas of both cities on foot, and got the biggest calzone ever! for a late lunch. I brought it home and ate it in my living room, and it was an all around satisfying afternoon. The fillings I chose for the pizza are probably much better on a regular pizza (sausage, feta and onions) but it was pretty tasty if a little salty. Anyways, I'm excited to move out to Bellefonte even if they don't have Indian food.

For the evening I will be engaged in books, beers, and baking. I'm making some granola right now, and I would like to make some no knead bread. I need to make a trip to the store for some baking supplies this evening, so I may make some cookies or a cake instead and save the bread for tomorrow morning. I would really like to make a nice cake for my birthday, but to do so is going to mean getting cake pans and a piping bag; I want to pipe on these big soft buttercream roses, which actually looks nicer and more appetizing then you would think.

For my birthday I wanted to cook a dinner for a small group of people and have them come eat with me and have a nice evening of music and conversation, but unfortunately it's probably not in my budget. I guess I get a little tired of going to visit with friends and have the TV on in the background, or sometimes in the foreground! Instead of doing this, me and a lab buddy are putting together a dinner similar to what we did on valentines and taking everyone to India Pavilion for dinner. It was a lot of fun, and the food is excellent. Afterwards it sounds like people want to do dance at the local "club" which I feel a little ambivalent about to be honest. I've been feeling very hermitish these days, and am much happier alone or at home then I am putting myself into social gatherings. This is probably due in large part to feeling acutely my missing friends from Bellingham, and not feeling very close or connected to my pals here. I have a few that I connect with deeply, but by and large there seems to be some barrier here and I couldn't say what it is exactly.

Regardless, the things that I am working on these days, independence, self love and deeper self reflection are improving monthly, and I'm taking this weekend to buttress my selflove with beer and carbohydrates. Three cheers for spring.

Just another thursday night on the homestead

Almost better from being sick. Full of spaghetti. Set up my new tent in the office. Thought I was going to sleep in it, but probably am not going to. Too sleepy for sentence structure. Lets get to tomorrow, I want to get this spring break started.

Mo' money mo' problems

Tonight's problem? Menu planning in bed while hungry. I should go get something to eat, but I'm so cozy... I'm going to have to go brave the non-bed parts of my apartment, like a valiant explorer. Wish me well townsfolk, I shall return triumphant.

Edit: Shameful, it was pepperoni directly out of the package. Mmmm.