I'm having a hard time right now. Well, it's not harder than normal, but I'm a lot sadder than I generally am. I've been feeling very isolated and alone since I came back from christmas, and with a birthday quickly approaching I am having a hard time feeling good about where I am and what I'm doing. This isn't anything new or particularly special, but the difference right now is that I am taking it out on my self confidence and self assurance. There was a triggering event for sure, but I should have been ready for it. I took a risk when I moved out here, and at the time it was one I was happy to make, but right now I want to be home with familiar people so badly. The problem is that this depression is manifesting as listlessness and low energy, so I am not taking the initiative and doing the things I need to do to make myself feel better - hike, move, create, socialize.
I never wanted to be sad. I want to be buoyant and positive, and I want to be a force of happiness for other people. I like having a rosy outlook on life, and in general I like who I am. But right now it all feels very crumbly and unsteady, and unfortunately my self deprecation and unhappiness is mutually exclusive with what I really need; Friends who are positive and happy and can make me feel better about myself and my decisions and push me out into the world. Not bars or more drinking, but adventures and new experiences. God damn I hate the way my brain lies to me when I'm depressed. I wish I could chuck out all these old neuroses and behaviors and start over fresh.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment