Home at last, home alone

Leaving the second time was harder. A lot harder. My heart feels like it's been split in two, and it's hard to do anything that's not haunted with memories. I'm so burned out with traveling that my ability to think coherently has effectively been shattered, but what I'm left with is regrets, loneliness and tears.

And some rum and holiday candy, but that's more of a coping method for the other things.

Shout out for grad student cooking!

I have an analytical brain, and it likes to organize things, keep track of junk, and generally fixate on the future and planning ahead. It's fairly good at all of these things, but I'm a creature of my impulses and I tend to loose track of the many threads in my life, which tends to lead to problems. One of the things I started doing a while ago was keeping track of my expenses in spread sheets, which is good for my brain and for my wallet.

Well, maybe not for my wallet, but at least I had to acknowledge the over spending I was doing on a monthly basis. I'm actually really lucky and got to figure out my bad habits in a low stakes situation, but I'm on a fixed income now and I have to figure this stuff out for realsies.

When I started tallying up my spending the vast majority of it was going to food. While I was a little indiscretionary with my personal spending as well, it didn't even come close to the eating out and grocery bills. Since making the move to grad school I've had to really wake up the reality of my income, and start figuring out how to live within a budget that's going to let me do awesome things like skiing and traveling and whatever.

The biggest thing I've done since the move is absolutely slash my food budget down. Instead of indiscriminately shopping for whatever sounds good I'm like a girl on a mission. I have $25 a week to spend on groceries, plus a little extra for eating out - $50 a month or so. Booze is separated, cause lets be serious. That's the easiest way to blow a budget, and I want to keep that in it's own separate category. It's a little challenging, and I'm still getting used to giving up novelty, which can be difficult. I definitely have some meals that I just don't make any more because I don't generally have the ingredients just laying around.

But I am impressed with the experiment so far! I'm actually eating fairly well, I'm eating flavorful and decently healthy foods, and I don't have anywhere near the waste that I used to - there are no more forgotten zucchinis rotting in the back of the fridge, or excess dried foods taking up cupboard space. The amount of food I gave away when I moved was shocking, I'd rather keep on this minimalism thing I've got going. As it is right now I'm scraping through the cupboard in these last couple days before I take off; I'm going to have a mostly clean slate when I'm done traveling.

Quick thought on bikes, fashion and cultural labeling

I had a thought today on my ride into work, and while it’s a little half baked I thought it was kind of interesting. Does labeling young cyclists as hipsters unfairly stigmatize the activity?

There has been a lot written about the need to expand ridership in urban areas. There are a lot of good reasons for this, which I am not going to get into now, and it’s a subject that I care a lot about. But at the same time we have this cultural movement in the opposite direction, throwing a lot of mockery at “hipsters,” particularly about bicycling in the movement. You even get shades of this within corners of the biking community, complaining about hipsters using bikes as a fashion accessory and the rise of the fixed gear in urban environments.

This seems to go against everything we’re working for as bicycling advocates. Any person on a bike is a step forward, whatever the motivation it took to get them there. If it took fashion or perceived coolness to get them pedaling, I’m not complaining. In many ways we need more of that! Seeing attractive and/or fashionable people riding makes biking seem more accessible because it breaks down the stereotype of cyclists as competitive lycra road warriors.

Hipster is a label that a lot of people try to avoid, probably due to trying to avoid the cultural connotations the label carries (bad beer, narcissism, whatever). By throwing the label at any young and fashionable person who is into bikes are we chasing away people from an awesome activity? Especially as we are trying to get more people onto bikes, and demonstrate it as a legitimate method for transportation not limited to extreme distances and speeds or specialized bicycling clothing.

However you choose to ride is cool with me, I just want to get you out on two wheels. Anyways, that was my thought for the day.

Interesting

I've been getting some traffic here lately, which is interesting because I mostly keep this blog as a personal public diary and a place to practice writing. I have a link on my facebook, but that's fine, there's nothing I'm posting here that matters very much. Anyways, I looks like my address got posted on a webpage-ping...thing. I'm not sure why! I don't say much of value! But I guess I'll take it, it's not like anyone comments really. I'm mostly interested in how that even happened.

Sleep it off, sleep it off.

I went to bed drunk and happy last night, and I'm going to bed sober, frustrated and lonely tonight. What I bummer, I was so hopeful starting the evening. It's fine and the feelings will fade in a couple of days, but I feel thwarted and a little mad. Nothing that I'm not able to get over, but it's frustrating in the present, and kind of degrades my self confidence.

The party we threw tonight was pretty fun, and very successful - we had a lot of people from the department, and nothing got out of hand. Well, except for the noise complaint, but that was okay. Lot of people took that as a sign to go home, and the rest of us relocated to another apartment. It was nice, we wore fancy clothing and had a lot of sugar, and we really like the people in the department.

I guess I feel a little alienated and uncool. I dislike this very much, and it tends to add to my social anxiety; I think I'm a neat person most of the time, but in parties I feel completely the opposite: annoying, unfunny, unattractive. I would like to change this very much, but emotions have a way of hijacking my brain and taking over. Boooo.

I'm tired, I'll think about this and expand on it later.

Drunk drunk drunk!

I'm having an amazing day. I'm drunk and in bed, but enjoying the hell out of not wearing clothes and being warm. It's pretty great. I drank a lot of beer, I chatted with cute boys, and I made it home safe and sound. Oh, and made some egg nog. Go me!

It explains all the naps

I accidentally bought decaffeinated tea yesterday. Tasty, but that's not my primary reason for drinking tea: It's to wake myself up. I blame mental exhaustion.

Also coffee

Always say yes, always go forward.

These are my guidelines. These are the words I have burned into my brain, that come floating up whenever I want to give up and stop challenging myself. It applies intellectually, physically, emotionally, and it keeps me growing and achieving. I do not want an ordinary life, and I'm doing my damnedest within my limits to avoid one.

Gifts gifts gifts!

Alright! I've got two gifts selected and purchased, one for my mom and one for my ladycation secret santa recipient. Both Jewelry, both lovely, both of which I'm extremely excited to see first hand! I actually Love buying gifts for people, it's fun to think about them and pick something out that I think they'll love. This year was actually a little challenging, because when I looked around I kept seeing stuff for people I'm not gifting to this year. I'm pleased with my selection anyways, It'll be a lot of fun to give these.

Stormy nights and falling into December

I've got plans in motion for this month: The end of this long, looooong semester is coming up, I have some trips set up for the second part of December and first part of January, I've got an application for a credit card out, and if I stay conscientious I should be able to start the new year out on a good foot forward.

I'm actually heading over to France for a little over a week to see Katie and have a little head-clearing personal trip. I should be a lot of fun, we'll celebrate New Years together and be lovey and romantic in the Alps. I'm excited! Well, a little nervous about navigating to the train station and down to my final destination, but It should be okay once I'm actually doing it. It's like any complicated maneuver, it's always more complicated and scarier when you are thinking about it, but easy once you are in motion. Shifting gears manual is like that for me - I can't focus on it while I'm driving, I just have to trust my muscle memory and my instincts.

I'm excited for Ladycation too. I was thinking about it in class today, and it was comforting to think that I'll be around my favorite people in a little over two weeks. Incredible, the fall went so fast. We'll be missing a couple people which is sad, but we'll still have a drunken good time. Birdhouse reunion! The Secret Santa is good too, It's easier to buy gifts for one person instead of something not as good for everyone.

Anyways, deep breaths. Stay calm and carry on, as they say.

We'll see how I feel about this tomorrow morning

I can do this. I can sink myself into the science. The classes, yeah, they're difficult. Yeah, they are probably going to kick my ass and bring me down a couple of egotistical notches. But god damn it, that's not why I'm here. I'm here because of the science, I'm here because of my interest in the chemistry and the wide ranging applications of atmospheric science and chemistry. I'm here because the processes behind our physical environment are so damn interesting.

Sunday Night

The sun is going down and there are jets streaking towards the west like modern comets. The earth casts a shadow through the atmosphere, and trees throw their branches against the gathering twilight. I'm roasting peppers for dinner and will spend the night drinking tea & feeling frustrated with my homework. But we like where we live and we love what we do...

An update about nothing, kind of

Welp, Thanksgiving came and went. I think next year I'll spend it alone in the woods instead of spending a week watching television. It's a thing. I am super happy to have people back in town, it was fun to hangout with the second years and my favorite person. I did wake up with a mighty hangover, but we walked it off and I ate some greasy food. It was a pretty good morning, we chatted and gossiped. I slept the whole afternoon, annndddd now... watching TV on the wii! Good work self.

Oh, other then that I got a new camera! I dipped into my long term savings (not cool) but the camera is awesome and should help me develop my eye. I'm already impressed with the quality of the pictures, and I've mostly used the auto mode. Holla.

An Open Letter

I want my life filled with people who I love and who love me in return. I want experiences, not things. I want beauty, and I want satisfaction. I want challenge, and I want accomplishment. I want to be able to accept my shortcomings, and work to achieve balance. I want to repair the burned bridges, and to undo the wrongs I’ve committed. I want to stop being the victim, and instead be the solution. I want to accept my mistakes. I want to banish resentfulness, cease jealousy. I want to make the people in my life happier, and I want to be there for you in triumph or catastrophe. I want to be able to let go of those things that I can’t have, and be joyful in the release. I want to take delight in your accomplishments, and help you be the best person you can be. I want kindness, and I want consideration. I want intimacy and emotional shelter when the world is hostile. I want solitude and company. I want friendship. I want family. I want a life well lived. I want to erase regrets. I want wisdom, and I want moral resilience. I want every decision made to be made in this light. In the final count, I want peace, and I want to have found happiness regardless of how the cards of life have fallen.

I want you in my life, in whatever capacity that may be. I want your friendship, and your company. I want to remove expectations. I am so glad that you exist, and I’m glad that you are in my life regardless of the challenges we have faced. I love you.

A surprise celebration

Last night was a ridiculous night! We had an exam in the evening, and to celebrate we marched out as a meteo crowd to take on the town. I really love these peoples. Well, the point is that they had the Sierra Nevada Celebration! on tap, one of my favorite winter beers!

So I drank four and got Surprise drunk.

Yay! opps. We had a small ladies night after the general meteo gathering, and then I walked up to the office and got my helmet, backpack and the half sandwich I had leftover from dinner. I was kind of staggery and kept bumping into things, so it was like a gauntlet, but I think I even managed to get the door locked on the way out.

I grabbed my bike, and bam! the mittens I had lost earlier in the day were laying on the ground next to it! They had been there since like eight thirty in the morning, I'm super impressed that no one grabbed them. I like them, so I'm glad they are still in my life, despite my best efforts, apparently.

Me and my bike had a tipsy ride home, and I pretty much froze my self, so I was pretty happy to get home. I am glad that I impulsively grabbed my helmet on the way out yesterday morning; I didn't need it necessarily, but it's a comfort to have when you are drunk. Anyways, I fell all over the apartment, took all my clothing off in the office and then ate a sandwich in bed. And I woke up feeling okay! Lots of water and internet starting at half past six. I even found a new route to work this morning, so the past 12 hours have been pretty great all things considered.

Feedback thoughts and self reflection

"You've got the skills, but it's unorganized and sloppy"

While I wouldn't have thought this would be feedback that I would find comforting and inspiring, hearing it this morning made me feel a lot better about the whole grad school thing. The truth is that I DO have the skills, as long as I can learn to collect my knowledge, solidify it, and learn to use it efficiently. It's not because I'm dumb, which is something that I can't change, it's because I"m unorganized, which is something I can!

So the point here is that grad school is a learning experience. We don't do it because it's easy, we do it because it's hard and it challenges us to think better, work more efficiently, and take ourselves from potential to professional.

Ctrl c, ctrl v

Insert continuous scream here

Bah humbug homework

Is it possible to channel feelings of stupidity into productivity? Is it possible to feel like you were blessed with a box of rocks instead of a brain, and still be successful? Is it possible to fix a shattered sense of focus in order to achieve your very best? Is it possible to become the thinker and academic I have the potential to be when I flee the feelings of stupidity that come with the coursework and the learning curve of any new skill?

Where will I find the strength inside myself to stop saying "Later" and start realizing that I have to prove my self NOW, I have to be the thinker I am capable of being NOW, and I have to do the work and put in the time NOW.

Sorry, self reflection is going to end me. Too bad this is more fun for me than sitting down and learning the math is! Calculus? gross.

Serious thoughts from a serious person seriously avoiding any real work

I’ve been thinking a lot about my current situation and frame of mind lately. Things have changed a lot in the past three months or so, mostly for the better although some things feel a little bit more neutral. I’ve moved across the country, I’ve started a new job/career, I’ve started one of the most challenging personal projects I’ve ever embarked on (educating myself), and I’ve left behind both my friends and family as well as my home and familiar landscape – essentially, my comfort zone.

This had really pushed me into the growing up that I have been cautiously courting but not necessarily completely embracing. It certainly explains the binge drinking in the last six months or so! This has pushed me to be a more outgoing and self sufficient person, and while this is a good thing for anyone to pursue, it can be a rocky road to get there for realsies.

Mostly, I’ve come to realize that I really need to be alone for a while. A long while, probably. I am specifically thinking of sexual relationships, not friendships, but the bigger point here is that I need to learn how to fill my emotional needs for love internally. While I may be in and out of relationships while I figure out how to do this, I won’t be sufficient as a partner until I sort this out.

The basics are that I ask for too much from the people around me. While this is certainly true in an actual dating situation, I’ve been putting a little bit too much of this on my friends here as well, and that is just not cool. I like these people, and I would like to continue having fun with these peeps, but I need to learn to keep my personal issues and needs (The need for love and attention, mostly!) away from my drinking and fun buddies. I have a few people I can go to with these issues, but mostly they need to be dealt with personally.

Booooo growing up! Booo personal responsibility. But I’ve got to learn to be the awesome person I am capable of being somehow, and this is just the first step on that journey. I’m made progress for sure, but I can see the winding path in front of me, and I need the space and time to learn how to navigate it on my own, with out the emotional crutch of a partner there for me at all times. In the long view this will make me into a better partner when I am ready or when that does happen, and in the short view I’ll stop alienating potential friendships.

Oh snap blog!

Hello Internet! I've been gone for a while I guess, and my how things change. I came back to blogger to check out something for work, and I was surprised to see thirty something posts here from 2009. It was pretty neat to read back through them, this really is a secret public diary. I think I might restart this blogging thing so that I have some kind of record of this crazy time.

So, Here's the deal. I made it to grad school! I moved across the country! I broke up with my long time boyfriend! I'm a scientist now I guess, and I'm starting to build up my self confidence a little bit. I mean, Fluid dynamics totally ruins the progress I make during my downtime, but the hopelessness that I was feeling last summer has abated some. I totally got here, I made things happen for myself, and I'm kind of living like the person I always wanted to be. I know right.

There are still pitfalls for sure. I'm struggling with the course work and a healthy dosage of impostor syndrome. I am weak at math, and I feel a little lazy. I have a pretty bad internet addiction that I need to check (Exhibit A: restarting a blog!), and I should probably get more exercise than just biking to and from work. But these are manageable, probably.