I’ve been thinking a lot about my current situation and frame of mind lately. Things have changed a lot in the past three months or so, mostly for the better although some things feel a little bit more neutral. I’ve moved across the country, I’ve started a new job/career, I’ve started one of the most challenging personal projects I’ve ever embarked on (educating myself), and I’ve left behind both my friends and family as well as my home and familiar landscape – essentially, my comfort zone.
This had really pushed me into the growing up that I have been cautiously courting but not necessarily completely embracing. It certainly explains the binge drinking in the last six months or so! This has pushed me to be a more outgoing and self sufficient person, and while this is a good thing for anyone to pursue, it can be a rocky road to get there for realsies.
Mostly, I’ve come to realize that I really need to be alone for a while. A long while, probably. I am specifically thinking of sexual relationships, not friendships, but the bigger point here is that I need to learn how to fill my emotional needs for love internally. While I may be in and out of relationships while I figure out how to do this, I won’t be sufficient as a partner until I sort this out.
The basics are that I ask for too much from the people around me. While this is certainly true in an actual dating situation, I’ve been putting a little bit too much of this on my friends here as well, and that is just not cool. I like these people, and I would like to continue having fun with these peeps, but I need to learn to keep my personal issues and needs (The need for love and attention, mostly!) away from my drinking and fun buddies. I have a few people I can go to with these issues, but mostly they need to be dealt with personally.
Booooo growing up! Booo personal responsibility. But I’ve got to learn to be the awesome person I am capable of being somehow, and this is just the first step on that journey. I’m made progress for sure, but I can see the winding path in front of me, and I need the space and time to learn how to navigate it on my own, with out the emotional crutch of a partner there for me at all times. In the long view this will make me into a better partner when I am ready or when that does happen, and in the short view I’ll stop alienating potential friendships.
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