I am happy with the world. I put a post up for a roommate next year, and ate cake with wiley for breakfast at the co-op. I don't like sweet things as much anymore, but it was still wonderful. He dropped me off at the bottom of the hill on his way to fairhaven to practice, and I walked home with a half gallon of milk, enjoying the burst of summer and life all around me.
Yesterday I went to the Chemistry picnic, and was shy and got sunburned. My arms hurt right now, but they will turn into a nice dark tan for the rest of the summer, so I'm not too sad. I met up with wiley afterwards, and he took me to the lake. I haven't gone swimming in about a year and a half? so it was hard. But I did it, and it felt amazing. I swam to a floating buoy and back, and then walked around the park before going home.
Also, I made a cassarole for dinner last night, but I made it too hot and spicy. I actually cried, it was so fucking hot. That NEVER happens! lesson learned, I guess.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Friday, May 29, 2009
Growing up, security, insecurity
I’m in a growing-up moment. I never expected that it would be so difficult, but here we are. I am learning to take responsibility for my actions, even though it is much harder then I would have ever thought, because I am taking responsibility for old actions as well as recent ones. While I am not a champion at this, I am getting better. I doubt it will ever be something that I take a tremendous amount of pleasure in, although I does make me feel a little more in control of my life in the now.
I have been meeting with a counselor off and on for the past two quarters. While the time that I spend with this is difficult and painful, one of the major benefits of going is getting some feed back from someone who I am not personally close to. The last time that I went, Wednesday morning, I had to tell her a little bit about my past and my relationships with my parents. What she made me aware of is my need for security, and how that is probably rooted really deeply in the events of 6th to 9th grade.
I find this to be a very astute observation, hitting closer to home then she probably realized. What is interesting for me is to trace this trend through the last ten or so years, and see the full implication of this need for security, and how it has shaped me and the decisions and relations ships I have made. What is especially interesting is the fact that I have always intellectually scorned the idea of needing security and plans, while simultaneously chasing after it. As much as I would have liked to put my world on my back and step into the unknown, I didn’t have it in me.
Do I now? I don’t know, and in fact I’m not sure that I will until I can actually take that step, and see if I do in fact leap. What I do know is that I am closer, probably more able then I ever have been in my life. And while that is comforting, being able to find that strength inside of me, it is also a little scary.
I have been meeting with a counselor off and on for the past two quarters. While the time that I spend with this is difficult and painful, one of the major benefits of going is getting some feed back from someone who I am not personally close to. The last time that I went, Wednesday morning, I had to tell her a little bit about my past and my relationships with my parents. What she made me aware of is my need for security, and how that is probably rooted really deeply in the events of 6th to 9th grade.
I find this to be a very astute observation, hitting closer to home then she probably realized. What is interesting for me is to trace this trend through the last ten or so years, and see the full implication of this need for security, and how it has shaped me and the decisions and relations ships I have made. What is especially interesting is the fact that I have always intellectually scorned the idea of needing security and plans, while simultaneously chasing after it. As much as I would have liked to put my world on my back and step into the unknown, I didn’t have it in me.
Do I now? I don’t know, and in fact I’m not sure that I will until I can actually take that step, and see if I do in fact leap. What I do know is that I am closer, probably more able then I ever have been in my life. And while that is comforting, being able to find that strength inside of me, it is also a little scary.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
The old aprartment blues
I have to find a roommate for next year, and I am nervous as hell about it. I was hoping that my boyfriend would want to live with me, but when we sorted all of that out, the final answer was NO, and it sent me running for craigslist. I'm working on an add right now.
Its an interesting thing, but as I write the add I feel less and less confident that I do, in fact love my apartment, even though I feel so happy when I come home and get to be there. It is in fact a totally lovable and adorable apartment, but the rate increase has shaken my confidence. I guess I'm glad that I've gotten to live there when I did, and I hope my next place, where ever that will be, will be just as pretty and full of charm.
Its an interesting thing, but as I write the add I feel less and less confident that I do, in fact love my apartment, even though I feel so happy when I come home and get to be there. It is in fact a totally lovable and adorable apartment, but the rate increase has shaken my confidence. I guess I'm glad that I've gotten to live there when I did, and I hope my next place, where ever that will be, will be just as pretty and full of charm.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
food food food
Haha oh, well, speaking of food and guilt and whatever. I just made a breakfast for myself! I made Muesli. We'll see how it tastes tomorrow morning...
From Craftster.org!
1/2 cup oatmeal
1 1/2 cups milk or soymilk
1/4 cup of raisins or dried cranberries
Put in the refrigerator overnight and voila!
I used dried cherries and apricots, and added cinnamon and nutmeg. Tomorrow I'll probably stir in walnuts too. In the meantime, I'm slow cooking some black beans for the rest of the week. I added nori to fortify them and make them more digestible, all the better for extracting their nutrition.
From Craftster.org!
1/2 cup oatmeal
1 1/2 cups milk or soymilk
1/4 cup of raisins or dried cranberries
Put in the refrigerator overnight and voila!
I used dried cherries and apricots, and added cinnamon and nutmeg. Tomorrow I'll probably stir in walnuts too. In the meantime, I'm slow cooking some black beans for the rest of the week. I added nori to fortify them and make them more digestible, all the better for extracting their nutrition.
Sad thoughts
I am listening to the rain. It was cloudy all day, and when I was walking home I saw the horizon being blotted out in that characteristic way. I love the rain, because it makes me feel small, and close, and connected to the world.
But right now I am feeling sad. I have been alone for several days, and while I welcomed the change and the chance to clean and organize my home, I found myself falling into a pattern of oblivious TV watching and overeating. It's not that I didn't need the food, its just that I am stuck in a feeling of not being "good enough" due to the behavior. I'm lucky because I am going to be able to talk to someone about it tomorrow, but it makes me nervous.
Something that I have been thinking about over the past couple of days is what I want out of my life. I feel like my possibilities are collapsing, and I need to get out and do things now, Now! before I am overcome with the responsibilities of adult life. I'm scared that I am going to let opportunities and experiences slip by due to fear and inaction.
This is a little bit of a depressing entry, which is interesting, because I was feeling do positive earlier. I hope that I can work through this now, because this is not the person that I want to be.
But right now I am feeling sad. I have been alone for several days, and while I welcomed the change and the chance to clean and organize my home, I found myself falling into a pattern of oblivious TV watching and overeating. It's not that I didn't need the food, its just that I am stuck in a feeling of not being "good enough" due to the behavior. I'm lucky because I am going to be able to talk to someone about it tomorrow, but it makes me nervous.
Something that I have been thinking about over the past couple of days is what I want out of my life. I feel like my possibilities are collapsing, and I need to get out and do things now, Now! before I am overcome with the responsibilities of adult life. I'm scared that I am going to let opportunities and experiences slip by due to fear and inaction.
This is a little bit of a depressing entry, which is interesting, because I was feeling do positive earlier. I hope that I can work through this now, because this is not the person that I want to be.
Monday, May 18, 2009
Yum
I wrote a little bit today about the grain mix I like to make. I use it to fill tortillas, or I mix it with toppings in a bowl. I like cheese, hot sauce, cilantro, green onions, tomatoes, avocados, and lime juice in any combination. However, you can use just about anything you have on hand. I make this once or twice a week, and it lasts for several days or the week, depending on what I am eating. Tonight I am mixing it with tomato, sausage, and veggies, maybe zucchini. yummy.
God! Ow!
I came home with some cramps a little early today; its one of the reasons I am so fond of my home. I'm close enough to school to walk back and forth comfortably and quickly, so I can come home for a break if I need it. I haven't been feeling great in anticipation for a couple of days, so I'm a little relived that its here so that I can deal with it and move on.
I made some lunch, although I may not have totally needed it - I made a very tasty oatmeal breakfast this morning. Regardless, lunch was good, a repeat from last night.
I mixed the left over quinoa/orzo/couscous mixture from last week with some refried beans to make a thick paste. I heated it up, then mixed in tomato chunks, green onion, cilantro, chipotle/garlic salsa, and siracha hot sauce. Tasty, filling and healthy!
The grain mixture is part me, part purchased. I get an "autumn harvest" grain mix at trader joes, a mixture of Israeli couscous, orzo, and red quinoa. I mix it with normal quinoa, half and half, and sometimes rice. When I cook it (rice cooker for the win!) I use 2:1 grains to water, and dump in a can of black beans, well rinsed. It's one of my favorite things to make.
I made some lunch, although I may not have totally needed it - I made a very tasty oatmeal breakfast this morning. Regardless, lunch was good, a repeat from last night.
I mixed the left over quinoa/orzo/couscous mixture from last week with some refried beans to make a thick paste. I heated it up, then mixed in tomato chunks, green onion, cilantro, chipotle/garlic salsa, and siracha hot sauce. Tasty, filling and healthy!
The grain mixture is part me, part purchased. I get an "autumn harvest" grain mix at trader joes, a mixture of Israeli couscous, orzo, and red quinoa. I mix it with normal quinoa, half and half, and sometimes rice. When I cook it (rice cooker for the win!) I use 2:1 grains to water, and dump in a can of black beans, well rinsed. It's one of my favorite things to make.
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Cake attack
I've had the apartment to myself this weekend, something that I am very very thankful for. I love my boyfriend and my roommate, but I needed a break. A girl has needs, and sometimes they include not talking to anyone and living in the living room unquestioned for a weekend.
I think that a big part of it is my frustration with my roommates house keeping skills. Seriously, the house was f'in disgusting. I get really busy with school and don't have the time and energy to keep the place at the level of cleanliness and organization that I prefer in my living space on my own. I need help, and I do not generally get it. I definitely cleaned the shit out this place this week, and while it's not perfect yet, it is a lot LOT better.
One thing that I did was reorganize my room! Its very pretty and organized, and a place that I feel comfortable spending time in. Mission accomplished. I'll put up some pictures when I get a camera, how exciting is that. Lol.
One thing that I am not very proud of is the whole cake situation. I made a Strawberry Shortcake Cake on Friday evening as a whim. I got vanilla ice cream, and used a blackberry/strawberry sauce that I made on Thursday. I got to share it with Emo and Alex, which was really fun, and then we watched a NOVA documentary on dinosaurs with wings. Very fun.
However, I kind of gorged on the damn cake yesterday and today. I feel like it's totally out of my hands, and feel terribly guilty about it. Well, maybe not the pits though. I took a good bike ride today, so that's some rectification, and I didn't eat the whole thing, so you know. Also - most of it was eaten sans ice cream and sauce, so it was strawberries, cake and whipped cream, healthier then the alternative. Progress!
I think that a big part of it is my frustration with my roommates house keeping skills. Seriously, the house was f'in disgusting. I get really busy with school and don't have the time and energy to keep the place at the level of cleanliness and organization that I prefer in my living space on my own. I need help, and I do not generally get it. I definitely cleaned the shit out this place this week, and while it's not perfect yet, it is a lot LOT better.
One thing that I did was reorganize my room! Its very pretty and organized, and a place that I feel comfortable spending time in. Mission accomplished. I'll put up some pictures when I get a camera, how exciting is that. Lol.
One thing that I am not very proud of is the whole cake situation. I made a Strawberry Shortcake Cake on Friday evening as a whim. I got vanilla ice cream, and used a blackberry/strawberry sauce that I made on Thursday. I got to share it with Emo and Alex, which was really fun, and then we watched a NOVA documentary on dinosaurs with wings. Very fun.
However, I kind of gorged on the damn cake yesterday and today. I feel like it's totally out of my hands, and feel terribly guilty about it. Well, maybe not the pits though. I took a good bike ride today, so that's some rectification, and I didn't eat the whole thing, so you know. Also - most of it was eaten sans ice cream and sauce, so it was strawberries, cake and whipped cream, healthier then the alternative. Progress!
Welcome to the Pun Show
I just named my arms, as all ass kicking ladies should. Annie Oakley and Madam Curie. Bam! Take THAT, Patriarchy!
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Thinking, writing, ranting
I just finished my bio-chem test! That was stressful. I have another night of cramming ahead of me, and tomorrow I'm taking myself on a pizza/beer date. I just roll that way. It's really interesting though - I have been having a lot of my old feelings of not being smart or good enough, especially because of the need to cram a lot of stuff into my head in a short amount of time due to accomplishing Nothing last week. However, at the same time I've been getting a lot of people telling me that I am super intelligent. Someone told me on facebook that I am the smartest person they know, and while I'm 'oh reaalllly, tell me moooore,' on the other hand I'm like, really? Are you sure? Cause I'm pretty sure that's not true.
Honestly, its very interesting. My reaction to compliments like that is absolute self depreciation in a good humored way. But what I find is that a lot of people see me about 180 degrees from how I see myself - muddled, lazy, dumb, kind of fat vs driven, smart, articulate and kind of good looking. I'm not sure exactly how this kind of mismatch arises, but I find that it can be pretty damaging. It certainly has been for me.
What I find really brings this home is actually being a student at western. While western is a great school, it is not a top of the line institution. I managed to be incredibly lucky by enrolling in one of the only really outstanding programs that we have, but the truth is that if I hadn't had that disconnect in high school, and even the first couple of years of college, I could be in a totally different place right now. Not that I'm unhappy here, but it is painful to look back and clearly see the doors that you have slammed shut inyour life that are only visible in hindsight.
Honestly, its very interesting. My reaction to compliments like that is absolute self depreciation in a good humored way. But what I find is that a lot of people see me about 180 degrees from how I see myself - muddled, lazy, dumb, kind of fat vs driven, smart, articulate and kind of good looking. I'm not sure exactly how this kind of mismatch arises, but I find that it can be pretty damaging. It certainly has been for me.
What I find really brings this home is actually being a student at western. While western is a great school, it is not a top of the line institution. I managed to be incredibly lucky by enrolling in one of the only really outstanding programs that we have, but the truth is that if I hadn't had that disconnect in high school, and even the first couple of years of college, I could be in a totally different place right now. Not that I'm unhappy here, but it is painful to look back and clearly see the doors that you have slammed shut inyour life that are only visible in hindsight.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Pro!-crastination
I organized my cupboard & fridge today, and made a list of all my dry food. I feel very accomplihed, even though I haven't really gotten any school work done today. I guess I'll turn on the TV to something mindless, like friends, and work on some assignments.
I actually hate friends, but I watch it when I am lonely. It makes it seem like there is some one else in the house, and not just ME. The kitchen looks great anyways.
I actually hate friends, but I watch it when I am lonely. It makes it seem like there is some one else in the house, and not just ME. The kitchen looks great anyways.
Friday, May 08, 2009
Friday comes but once a week
Bad week for getting stuff done. I have had fun though! We made gumbo last night, the last of which I just polished off. Yummy. We had a terrific speaker today for the seminar, an industrial chemist working on chriality. He gave a great talk, and he outlined some really interesting developments, primarily Simulated Moving Bed (SMB) chromatography, a really terrific method of separating enantiomers. I love hearing about things like that.
On the to-do list today is to get over to my gentleman's house, drink some beer, and watch some stuff. I'm excited, I love a lazy start to a productive weekend. As a Plus, my silica reduction from yesterday went very smoothly.
On the to-do list today is to get over to my gentleman's house, drink some beer, and watch some stuff. I'm excited, I love a lazy start to a productive weekend. As a Plus, my silica reduction from yesterday went very smoothly.
Thursday, May 07, 2009
What a day
Rainy Day today. I'm okay with that. I hope it lasts until tomorrow, because Hopefully I will focus and get some of this work done. going to get some new white board pens today, I prefer to do math on a large scale, and the ones I have are subpar and definitely drying out.
Went to bed too early. Hate this feeling. Also? Just sneezed on myself. Gross.
Went to bed too early. Hate this feeling. Also? Just sneezed on myself. Gross.
Wednesday, May 06, 2009
Bad Mood Bear
I've been struggling with mood swings lately. It's not anything new, but over the last couple of weeks that it is having a severe impact on my functioning as a human being. I'm snapping at my roommate, boyfriend, lab mates, and storekeepers. I was almost in tears today over something in the bike shop which should have had absolutely no impact on me whatsoever, but I wasn't able to shake it.
I made an appointment to talk to a counselor next week, although I wish it could happen Now. It does give me a little bit of time to collect myself and get my head on a little tighter, which I suppose is good. I need a permanent solution to this problem though, because I am not the person that I want to be when I am constantly battling my project self vs. my internal self.
These aren't the most coherently written blog posts, but the act of getting this stuff out there is helpful. Additionally, taking some time to just practice writing and getting things down is helpful, both emotionally and academically. I need all the writing practice I can get.
I made an appointment to talk to a counselor next week, although I wish it could happen Now. It does give me a little bit of time to collect myself and get my head on a little tighter, which I suppose is good. I need a permanent solution to this problem though, because I am not the person that I want to be when I am constantly battling my project self vs. my internal self.
These aren't the most coherently written blog posts, but the act of getting this stuff out there is helpful. Additionally, taking some time to just practice writing and getting things down is helpful, both emotionally and academically. I need all the writing practice I can get.
Radio Waves
I like to listen to the radio when I wake up. It started out as necessity, when my alarm clock fell from a great height and lost the ability to use an actual alarm. The thing actually had a pretty cool feature, it would make bird sounds instead of a traditional Buzzzzzzzzz! I've used the radio feature for a years now, but only in the last one or so have I really found a good NPR station.
The problem with NPR generally is that they have some news in the morning, but by nine they have moved into classical music until much later in the afternoon. I'm not crazy about a lot of classical music, so I like to find a station that focuses on radio news shows. I've actually been very lucky, not only in finding a perfect station (except during pledge week) but in the fact that I can listen to it in my lab.
I realized that I was kind of a radio nerd when I saw a photo of some of my favorite people - Dan Savage, Ira Glass, Jonathon Goldstein, and Sarah Vowell! My roommate was not nearly as impressed. I guess I just love listening to stories, whether they are news stories or personal stories or advice stories.
Tuesday, May 05, 2009
Cinco de Mayo!
Big storm rolled through last night and finished off this afternoon. My gentleman companion told me that it was windy and rainy all last night, but when I got up this morning it was overcast and warm. By the time I was walking home the horizon was being blotted out by falling rain. The sun lit up the bay in patches, highlighting the stirred up water. By the time my companion arrived the rain was falling here, and a line of rain could be seen approaching.
When it had lightened up a little bit we went to the Co-op and got some supplementary food, an avocado, soup, and some pasta salad to go with our pork and gains. It was highly satisfying, although I ate a little bit too much. We watched another video tape of Hornblower, which was fabulous, and then it was time for him to go home and go to bed and for me to start working on homework. I'm not quite there yet, but I'm hopeful about getting stuff done!
When it had lightened up a little bit we went to the Co-op and got some supplementary food, an avocado, soup, and some pasta salad to go with our pork and gains. It was highly satisfying, although I ate a little bit too much. We watched another video tape of Hornblower, which was fabulous, and then it was time for him to go home and go to bed and for me to start working on homework. I'm not quite there yet, but I'm hopeful about getting stuff done!
Organizing
There is a pile of papers on the floor right now that need to be sorted and disposed of. Actually, it's more like magazines and receipts, two things that I love initially but always become a clutter problem after we get home togeather.
One of the things that I am constantly stuggling against is the pack rat thing. I'm definitely not one of those people who dedicate themselves to the slow filling of their space with 'treasures,' but I do love my things, and it can be hard to give something away if you know there there was some thought behind it or if you haven't quite finished that new yorker, but you will! Definitely. Next week sometime.
We had a garage sale a little while ago, and I actually managed to let go of some stuff that I wasn't deeply attached to. It was actually a very positive experience! I had a bunch of stuff floating around from graduation, weird little gifts that where nice to give away. When I moved to college my mom packed me up with just about everything, and I've been toting it around ever since. It's nice to not have to worry about that stuff anymore, but I wish I had gotten rid of even more stuff while I was sorting. I can think of a bow, some skis, various cables and clothings and yadda yadda yadda that I am for sure not going to move with me again.
My Goal is to leave town with the minimum of junk, only the true treasures.
One of the things that I am constantly stuggling against is the pack rat thing. I'm definitely not one of those people who dedicate themselves to the slow filling of their space with 'treasures,' but I do love my things, and it can be hard to give something away if you know there there was some thought behind it or if you haven't quite finished that new yorker, but you will! Definitely. Next week sometime.
We had a garage sale a little while ago, and I actually managed to let go of some stuff that I wasn't deeply attached to. It was actually a very positive experience! I had a bunch of stuff floating around from graduation, weird little gifts that where nice to give away. When I moved to college my mom packed me up with just about everything, and I've been toting it around ever since. It's nice to not have to worry about that stuff anymore, but I wish I had gotten rid of even more stuff while I was sorting. I can think of a bow, some skis, various cables and clothings and yadda yadda yadda that I am for sure not going to move with me again.
My Goal is to leave town with the minimum of junk, only the true treasures.
Stormy!
There is a storm coming in tonight. The day was warm and cloudy, and gave into rain as we started moving to nightfall. I like storms, I like the rain and the wind and the obliteration of the horizon into a soft gray shadow. I like the sounds of storms, white noise surrounding the whole world. I like storms because they let us look up at nature and see something fundamentally outside of our control looking back. I like storms because they let you be thankful for what we have, a warm house and bountiful kitchen and full hearts.
In the Beginning
There was a key board and an open document.
I'm creating a little bit of internet space for myself. I want to write, but maybe not so much on facebook, the one place that I really connect with people on the internet. I enjoy making comments about things, recording the dumb stuff I think about, and generally keeping a log - a weB LOG, if you will - about, you know. Stuff. I'll give it a try, anyways. If I don't make anything of note, it's cool. I'll just move on to the next medium.
I'm creating a little bit of internet space for myself. I want to write, but maybe not so much on facebook, the one place that I really connect with people on the internet. I enjoy making comments about things, recording the dumb stuff I think about, and generally keeping a log - a weB LOG, if you will - about, you know. Stuff. I'll give it a try, anyways. If I don't make anything of note, it's cool. I'll just move on to the next medium.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)