I just finished my bio-chem test! That was stressful. I have another night of cramming ahead of me, and tomorrow I'm taking myself on a pizza/beer date. I just roll that way. It's really interesting though - I have been having a lot of my old feelings of not being smart or good enough, especially because of the need to cram a lot of stuff into my head in a short amount of time due to accomplishing Nothing last week. However, at the same time I've been getting a lot of people telling me that I am super intelligent. Someone told me on facebook that I am the smartest person they know, and while I'm 'oh reaalllly, tell me moooore,' on the other hand I'm like, really? Are you sure? Cause I'm pretty sure that's not true.
Honestly, its very interesting. My reaction to compliments like that is absolute self depreciation in a good humored way. But what I find is that a lot of people see me about 180 degrees from how I see myself - muddled, lazy, dumb, kind of fat vs driven, smart, articulate and kind of good looking. I'm not sure exactly how this kind of mismatch arises, but I find that it can be pretty damaging. It certainly has been for me.
What I find really brings this home is actually being a student at western. While western is a great school, it is not a top of the line institution. I managed to be incredibly lucky by enrolling in one of the only really outstanding programs that we have, but the truth is that if I hadn't had that disconnect in high school, and even the first couple of years of college, I could be in a totally different place right now. Not that I'm unhappy here, but it is painful to look back and clearly see the doors that you have slammed shut inyour life that are only visible in hindsight.
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