Growing up, security, insecurity

I’m in a growing-up moment. I never expected that it would be so difficult, but here we are. I am learning to take responsibility for my actions, even though it is much harder then I would have ever thought, because I am taking responsibility for old actions as well as recent ones. While I am not a champion at this, I am getting better. I doubt it will ever be something that I take a tremendous amount of pleasure in, although I does make me feel a little more in control of my life in the now.

I have been meeting with a counselor off and on for the past two quarters. While the time that I spend with this is difficult and painful, one of the major benefits of going is getting some feed back from someone who I am not personally close to. The last time that I went, Wednesday morning, I had to tell her a little bit about my past and my relationships with my parents. What she made me aware of is my need for security, and how that is probably rooted really deeply in the events of 6th to 9th grade.

I find this to be a very astute observation, hitting closer to home then she probably realized. What is interesting for me is to trace this trend through the last ten or so years, and see the full implication of this need for security, and how it has shaped me and the decisions and relations ships I have made. What is especially interesting is the fact that I have always intellectually scorned the idea of needing security and plans, while simultaneously chasing after it. As much as I would have liked to put my world on my back and step into the unknown, I didn’t have it in me.

Do I now? I don’t know, and in fact I’m not sure that I will until I can actually take that step, and see if I do in fact leap. What I do know is that I am closer, probably more able then I ever have been in my life. And while that is comforting, being able to find that strength inside of me, it is also a little scary.