Sleep is weakness, or so they would have you believe

I promise I'll be fun again soon blog. Right now I'm so tired and frustrated, I want to be done with this studying and done with these tests and cozy in bed, full of beer and good food and love. We've got a huge amount of rain coming right for us, so I'm probably going to be in the office for quite some time tonight, which kind of sucks considering that it's already nine o'clock. Send me love, dear faceless friends, I'm going to need a hug by the end of tomorrow.

Grad School!

What I imagine:

What actually happens?

Now, I just have to work on putting it into motion

I'm starting to understand something really important. For years, I've been fighting against perceived restrictions to my freedom. I have pushed away good friends, sabotaged relationships of all kinds (mostly of the romantic variety), pushed myself into depression and isolation. I've been really unhappy, and this has negatively affected a lot of people in my life.

This is super messed up! Because what I'm realizing is that these curtails to my freedom are self imposed. It wasn't the other people in my life, it was me putting all the responsibility for my happiness onto other people. I didn't take risks, because I was telling myself that other people would be disappointed in me. I didn't pursue interesting experiences or friendships because I didn't want to hurt people's feelings - people who probably would have happily pushed me to become my own person!

It's not that you should go through life intentionally disregarding other peoples feelings and perceptions. These are important aspects to all relationships, and should be a concern to you if you are close to them. BUT. To be fully present and joyful in a relationship of any kind, you need to feel like you have had some choice. You are with your partner because you choose to be, because they are wonderful, not because you are stuck with them. You are with your friends because they are interesting and full of life, not because they are the best you can do. These kinds of things.

While this kind of insight is probably not deep or new in the slightest, I find that I'm actually starting to believe what my boyfriend was telling me for years - you have a choice. He wasn't there to artificially put restrictions on me. That I can be the person I want to be. I can build myself the life that I want to live. I can do the things I desire, and my loved ones will be there before, after and during with open arms. That it's better to be taking risks then artificially trapping yourself in a story of your own creation, especially because it probably isn't true.

Cause you know. Sharing.

I got a bed frame for my matress (hooray!), but the bed appears to take up more room then it used to. My dresser sucks, so I dismantled it, re-purposed my closet to take on the over flow from the drawers, and moved the crafting desk in to hold anything else that needs holding.

Ipso facto, I now keep my underwear in a beer box. I am a classy lady.

One last thing

Okay, one more thought for the night. I am Reeeeaaaally tired, and should be doing some math problems, but I had to track down a dis-congruity in my bank account. I keep VERY detailed spread sheets of my finances, and I was actually kind of impressed. I was able to figure out exactly were I made an accounting error, and it was pretty easy to fix. I started doing these spread sheets about three years ago, and I'm been tweaking the format as I use them, but I think I've got a pretty good system now, it's very intuitive and visual. I can keep track of where my money is going, spending patterns, and even get some hard data on how much I'm spending per day over the entire month. It's pretty cool.

This is a screen cap with some bullshit information on it. I was going to put up a legit graph, but I realized that that was a TERRIBLE idea. I just entered some general data to demonstrate how it works. The left hand graph shows spent vs. unspent, the center graph is a break down of what catatogies my money is going into, and the smallest version of this graph is the same thing, but it includes all the unspent income in black. It also breaks stuff down into percentages spent in each category, my goals for savings each month and how much Actually makes it into savings after all is said and done. It doesn't work for everyone, but I'll be damned this this works awesome for me.

Balancing acts

Things I like about coming home at night?
Bike ride home
Hearing the frogs starting to sing
Taking detours, seeing new things
Being outside and under the sky
Watching spring unfurl like a flag across the landscape
Feeling my body get stronger week by week
Taking a moment to reflect about whatever the emotional topic of the day is
The anticipation of dinner, and beer
Coming into my personal space and feeling solitude wrapped around me like a comforting hug: when you can't have affection or intimacy, sometimes being alone is okay too.

Things I don't like?
Being hungry
Being tired

I think the goods here outweighs the bad, and as the world unfolds into life I think I can manage.

Combination Disaster

I'm eating exhaustion oatmeal. Yesterday was a 16 hour workday, and I still didn't get very much done, so today is probably going to be similar. The office candy of the week is pretzel m&m's, which don't really translate as an oatmeal topping. These are the kinds of bad decisions that I make when I don't get enough sleep.

What do you mean, don't wast time?

Below I have drawn a fairly indicative illustration of my current mental state. This is a shockingly accurate portrait. Those are supposed to be my hands curled into little fists of frustration.

I tried to study, but I accidentally made this instead

Curse you sleep

One of those days - I slept in, got up and ate some breakfast, got dressed, checked the weather - boom, feel asleep. I foresee very little productivity this afternoon. I got 12 hours of sleep, and still feel like the walking dead. Or maybe 12 hours of sleep made me into the walking dead...

Spend money! Spend all the money!

Because I need to study, but don't want to, my brain has locked into a "Buy things" mode. This is a problem. I want to buy everything. All the things. But, No money to do so. Curse this busy and expensive month.

Also, we need to work on this consumer thing. I think I would be a lot happier if I wasn't always thinking about all the stuff I could be buying. However, on a positive spin the things I Have been buying are going to last a hell of a long time. So, there's that.

April showers better put out may flowers

It's April, but the weather still hasn't warmed up appreciably. We're out of below freezing...most of the time. There's been some bulbs coming up though, and I hear the trees are going to be budding in a few weeks, which will be delightful. What's the fun of a deciduous forest if it's too cold to enjoy it and everything stays bare? I guess it's been a cold spring, climatological. I'm hoping that it warms up a little, but stays cool this summer. Last summer was particularly hot, but I think any normal summer temps + east coast humidity is going to make me pretty unhappy in general.

I'm excited for it to warm up a little bit, I have some outdoor equipment I want to test out - a tent and a sleeping pad, mostly. I was planning on getting a new sleeping bag too, one that can manage colder temperatures (I like camping in the early spring and late fall, and I tend to sleep cold) but I don't think I'll have free time until the weather is warm enough not to really need it. We'll see. In any case, I'm excited about doing come bike camping and some serious exploring of this area. It's going to be a lot of fun. I'm already out of my element over here, I may as well take advantage of it and be an explorer!

But until finals are over and I get back from my trip home I think my free time will be scarce at best. I'm pretty broke this month from the tickets home, but I am planning on doing some baking when I have time and keep on biking. I really enjoy my ride to and from work, right now it's probably the best part of my day.

An old one, but appropriate for today

East Vs. West

On Friday evening I went out with a group of other grad students for a drink of two. I haven't been particularly social, but I managed to build up enough energy and momentum to get out there. I think it'll be more likely for me to go out when it warms up a little and I can more comfortably ride into downtown; as it is right now, once it hits nine I'm starting the slow roll towards bed and enhanced coziness. Cause I'm old.

Anyways, it was a pretty enjoyable evening. The happy hour prices on beer are outstanding (for the area) even if you don't get all that much volume (14 oz, what is that). By about 11 I was ready to roll on out of there. At about this time, the conversation swung over towards the differences between the east and the west coasts. Now, I'm not 100% on why we ended up talking about this, I was starting to drift, but my stance it pretty solid: People are people. While there may be superficial differences in lifestyle (like cuisine or hobbies or interests in sports or whatever!) people have the same basic motivations and you find the same kinds of people where ever you go - outdoor tech heads, hipsters, girls who use spray on tan and dye their hair blond, whatever the niche I can guarantee you're going to find them in Miami and Seattle and whatever other city you want to pick. While different subcultures might flourish or languish, people will fit in just about anywhere.

There are some people who don't buy this, and it confuses me a little bit. I had my reservations when I moved east for sure, but what I found in Pennsylvania was what I found in Washington - people motivated to live the best lives they can. Like I mentioned, what the life resembles may change superficially in different parts of the country (the midwest has their casseroles, the west coast their sushi, you get the point) but the core is still the same: Security, community, happiness, accomplishment.

While I do want to move back west when I'm done with my degree, it's not because of the people on the east coast; It's the people on the west coast! My friends and family are there. I miss the landscapes and the weather. I miss the water and the liberal politics. I miss fresh salmon and cheap avocados. I miss the mountains and the fir trees. The Northwest is my homeland. Does that diminish the East for me? No. While in Washington I had more close friends who were similar to me in interests and appearance, it doesn't mean that those people aren't here in the east, I just haven't found them yet.

I don't know, its interesting. We're all trying to find our place in the world, and for a lot of people geography is a big part of that. It certainly is for me, but at the same time I think with determination and willingness most people can be happy most places, given that the other aspects of your life are running smoothly (work, community, health, family, the usual suspects).

The Casseroll rolled into my heart

This was kind of a bad week, but it ended on a beautiful high note: I picked up my tax return new bike yesterday morning!



I did a bunch of internet sleuthing and soul searching before focusing my energy onto two possible bikes, the 2011 versions of the Surly Cross Check and the Salsa Casseroll. I liked both a lot, and got to test ride both at my local shop. The bikes are pretty similar, but I eventually decided on the Casseroll for a couple of reasons: The front gears are a triple right out of the box, it has sealed bearings which will minimize maintenance until I wear them out, and it came with a lovely front rack. Coupled with the nicer steel in the frame, I felt like the upgrades justified the extra $100 I would be spending.



While the bike is mostly stock, we made a couple of changes right off the bat. I replaced the integrated shifter with the sturdier bar end shifters, and added a bunch of accessories. Velo Orange hammered fenders, a silver Bontrager rack, and swapping out the stock saddle for a beautiful leather Brooks saddle makes this bike a show stopper. It's probably one of the nicest and cohesive bikes I've seen in a while, with a simple color scheme and solid complementary accessories. I feel like it matched my personality well, balancing feminine touches and a softer retro look with an aggressive build and posture.



I'm looking forward to putting some serious miles on this bike. While I've had a little trouble with the shifting, I'm betting that it's due to the adjustment period you always have with a new bike. My body fits the factory dimensions very well, and I'm looking forward to putting some serious miles on these wheels. Three cheers for my bike shop helping me build exactly the bike I wanted, and here's to attacking the future on two wheels.

(I like the philosophy this company has! <3)