Now, I just have to work on putting it into motion

I'm starting to understand something really important. For years, I've been fighting against perceived restrictions to my freedom. I have pushed away good friends, sabotaged relationships of all kinds (mostly of the romantic variety), pushed myself into depression and isolation. I've been really unhappy, and this has negatively affected a lot of people in my life.

This is super messed up! Because what I'm realizing is that these curtails to my freedom are self imposed. It wasn't the other people in my life, it was me putting all the responsibility for my happiness onto other people. I didn't take risks, because I was telling myself that other people would be disappointed in me. I didn't pursue interesting experiences or friendships because I didn't want to hurt people's feelings - people who probably would have happily pushed me to become my own person!

It's not that you should go through life intentionally disregarding other peoples feelings and perceptions. These are important aspects to all relationships, and should be a concern to you if you are close to them. BUT. To be fully present and joyful in a relationship of any kind, you need to feel like you have had some choice. You are with your partner because you choose to be, because they are wonderful, not because you are stuck with them. You are with your friends because they are interesting and full of life, not because they are the best you can do. These kinds of things.

While this kind of insight is probably not deep or new in the slightest, I find that I'm actually starting to believe what my boyfriend was telling me for years - you have a choice. He wasn't there to artificially put restrictions on me. That I can be the person I want to be. I can build myself the life that I want to live. I can do the things I desire, and my loved ones will be there before, after and during with open arms. That it's better to be taking risks then artificially trapping yourself in a story of your own creation, especially because it probably isn't true.