Updates and all that

It's been an interesting couple of weeks! I finished up my first year of classes at the beginning of May, then went home immediately afterwards to unwind and visit my friends and family. It was a good trip overall, although it started on an emotional roller coaster. Not my favorite, and I'm still sorting out my feelings about the whole thing, but overall I feel lot better. And it was nice seeing my friends, although I wish I could have had more Fun with them, rather then the abbreviated visit that we had.

After a few brief days with my friends I went south and met up with my mom, and we spent about a week together. We went from Port Townsend to Portland, and it was a great visit. We didn't do a lot of adventurous stuff, but it was a delightful time. I got a lot of reading done, and caught on my sleep and we had a lot of great meals. My mom has a fantastic new place which is evocative of the place we had when I was in high school, so it's out in the woods and extremely serene. I was sad to leave at the end, both for personal and cultural reasons; Personally, love and family and all that; culturally, I miss the weirdness and the familiarity of the west. The east seems so boring and tame after being home.

Other then that, I'm back to work and feeling a lot better about that whole science thing I'm involved in. While I'm involved in environmental and technological research, a lot of it feels like arts and crafts, which I love. I learned how to use power tools yesterday morning, I feel like such a badass! I'm going to be well rounded after all this training. I'll be all, high heels and table saws yo.

I have also discovered honey whiskey, with the expected results. I woke up yesterday bruised and muddy, with a vague idea about where I crashed my bike. Which I need to put up some more photos of, if my stats are to be trusted. I wish I could make this into a biking-lifestyle blog, but unfortunately I'm just not that active an adventurer yet. Someday :)

In the middle of the last push through

This post is going to be kind of a First-world problems complaint, so if you don't care so much that my ruby slippers are too tight, you can just skip on over reading this one.

So. Grad school has been one of the most humbling experiences I've ever put myself through. I'm in a situation where I have to push myself, truly challenge myself, to even keep up, and I feel like I'm not able to maintain the level of effort and excellence you need to truly succeed. I am glad that I have the opportunity to be pursuing these dreams, but I'm starting to suspect that I don't have the capacity to fulfill the expectations of success that I am carrying with me.

I have never been a star student. I did enough work to get by, and concepts came easily to me. I got through high school okay, and while I had a rocky start to college I ended on a high note, having clawed my grades up to the level that made me eligible for grad school. I pursued research opportunities, and got good enough references to be considered for a few grad schools. I got lucky with my current University, and applied on a year where they were looking for people with chemistry backgrounds or interests. So, I ended up in grad school.

Aaaand I realized, that I'm not really supposed to be here. I'm not just fighting against the material in this program, which is legitimately challenging. I'm also fighting against myself, and the bad habits that I picked up from years of being "smart enough." I'm getting through this, but that spark of inspiration and dedication that I felt that last couple years of undergrad feels like it's been extinguished. I work a lot, these long crazy hours, but nothing gets done. I read, ploughing through text books and online documents, but nothing sticks. I reach a "fingers on the edge of the cliff" understanding of the material, but I miss details in the problems and come in last. I am by far the weakest student in the class, and that is a difficult position to be in - I'm smart enough to get in, but too dumb to be accomplished.

I don't know what the answer is here. I don't know how far I'm going to make it in this program, but if not this, then what am I going to do with my life? And if this, it's the same damn question - what the hell am I going to do with a doctorate! I don't know. I don't know.