In the middle of the last push through

This post is going to be kind of a First-world problems complaint, so if you don't care so much that my ruby slippers are too tight, you can just skip on over reading this one.

So. Grad school has been one of the most humbling experiences I've ever put myself through. I'm in a situation where I have to push myself, truly challenge myself, to even keep up, and I feel like I'm not able to maintain the level of effort and excellence you need to truly succeed. I am glad that I have the opportunity to be pursuing these dreams, but I'm starting to suspect that I don't have the capacity to fulfill the expectations of success that I am carrying with me.

I have never been a star student. I did enough work to get by, and concepts came easily to me. I got through high school okay, and while I had a rocky start to college I ended on a high note, having clawed my grades up to the level that made me eligible for grad school. I pursued research opportunities, and got good enough references to be considered for a few grad schools. I got lucky with my current University, and applied on a year where they were looking for people with chemistry backgrounds or interests. So, I ended up in grad school.

Aaaand I realized, that I'm not really supposed to be here. I'm not just fighting against the material in this program, which is legitimately challenging. I'm also fighting against myself, and the bad habits that I picked up from years of being "smart enough." I'm getting through this, but that spark of inspiration and dedication that I felt that last couple years of undergrad feels like it's been extinguished. I work a lot, these long crazy hours, but nothing gets done. I read, ploughing through text books and online documents, but nothing sticks. I reach a "fingers on the edge of the cliff" understanding of the material, but I miss details in the problems and come in last. I am by far the weakest student in the class, and that is a difficult position to be in - I'm smart enough to get in, but too dumb to be accomplished.

I don't know what the answer is here. I don't know how far I'm going to make it in this program, but if not this, then what am I going to do with my life? And if this, it's the same damn question - what the hell am I going to do with a doctorate! I don't know. I don't know.