The reason that I'm having trouble loving what I'm doing right now is that no matter what it is that I am working on at any given moment, that activity is challenging. I never have a day where my projects are a joy to work on, where I finish and can say to myself, I accomplished everything I needed to get done today. When I'm not working I worry about the work I should be doing, and when I am working I am thinking of all the many other things that I should be doing - in research, in the classes, in preparing for teaching. I hate this feeling of overextending myself and constantly falling short of expectations, and I am afraid that the constant stress and self doubt is detrimental to my health and long term happiness. When you couple this with the feeling of loneliness and the fact that I am very much on my own right now, It can feel extremely overwhelming. It comes and goes for sure, and for the days when I feel overcome and hopeless I have days where I feel okay about things, But I also feel like I can't let down my guard too much because if I do those feelings are going to take over and hold me hostage.
On a lighter note, can I get a shout out for sunny mornings and sleeping in? It's pretty great.
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