Risk Taking

I've been thinking a little bit about risk taking. It's kind of surprising, but I've found that when I examine my choices many of them are made with the safe route in mind: Not sure about what to do after high school? Go to college, cause you should anyways. Worried about finding a summer job? Do summer research. Not certain you're going to make it in the real world? Go to grad school!

So here's the deal: it would be really easy for me to continue on this safe route. I'll get a masters, followed by the doctorate. I'll get a postdoc, maybe another one if the job market is bad. I'll apply into a wide variety of universities, and get a job somewhere as an assistant professor. The responsibilities and the grant writing process will push me further from the lab work, and I'll become more of an administrator every year. I may or may not have an active research group, I may or may not be doing work with important implications or redeeming social values or work that I find interesting at all. But, it's a steady paycheck, and the path to getting here is well marked. While part of the journey may be challenging, the titles carry respect and there is some ability for me to carve out a satisfying life for myself.

But, I'm not sure I really want that. I've been feeling more and more frustrated with the process of science, and I frankly have some concerns about whether I have the mental capacity for continued high intensity research after I get my degree regardless of whether I continue after the masters or not. I feel that I would be much happier all around if I had some ability to separate my working life more sharply from my personal life, and while there are some benefits to the flexible academic schedule research tends to take over all of your spare time and brain power. For some people this is great, and they are more than happy to invest themselves fully into a project, but for me...I think there would be something missing there.

Part of this is figuring out the life work balance that we talk so much about. How do you live a full life outside of work while also putting in the time and effort to make a difference in your work? being passionate about what you do is certainly important, and it's important to have that spark of inspiration when you sit down to work, even if some days it's dim or seems to be sputtering - it can be revived with work and love.

The other thing here is that I've never really taken the risks that make for a full life. I've been on this path working for something I thought that I believed in, but it was also the easy path. When I think about giving everything up for a dream I can barely conceptualize that. My life has been safe, the choices I made well thought out, and this has allowed me to avoid many upsets and instabilities. But I have never gone out on a limb, I've never made those risks that make our lives worth living. I forget that there will always be a net for me, and instead have put a tremendous amount of time and energy into building my own. And this isn't bad! But I feel a little unfulfilled, and I feel like I'm missing some formative experiences in risk taking and adaptation.

When I think about things that I would do if I left science right now, I can fill a whole list with the experiences I would like to have: Traveling to remote corners of the world, Pushing myself physically on skis or a boat, hiking through mountains alone, baking and creating and moving. How would I support myself? How would I build flexibility into my life? How often would I be able to have these adventures? How would I find happiness and fulfillment? I don't know, and these are the questions that keep me from throwing myself into it. But I hope that someday, in the gentlest way possible I hope, that I am pushed to answer these questions, and pushed to live the life I want to live.